Authentic Living...

If I were to be asked about things in ministry that are important to me authenticity would definitely be on the list. Part of the reason I was drawn to the job at Canyon had to do with believing that the things college students needed or desired aligned with my passions. When I was asked about the needs of college students I mentioned three things: authenticity, community, and a desire to play a role in service.

I think my community at Truett really drove me towards the passions for community and authenticity. I had never had close friends before that. I had lots of friends. I knew lots of people. Jason tells me that I'm the kind of person who would say I don't have any friends but that lots of people would consider themselves my friends. Who knows, maybe he's right. I guess I always felt that my friendships missed something. I had people, but I don't think I had community. I had friendships, but they weren't very authentic.

As much as I would promote authenticity, I'm not sure I know what it is or how much of it people want. I think I pretend to be open and authentic. I have always prided myself on being a what you see is what you get kind of guy. (I think lots of people wish I hadn't been quite so much this way.) What this meant was that I was a bit harsh or blunt. I would say what I was thinking, I would do what I wanted, like it or not. I tried to call my arrogance, authenticity.

My friends at Truett forced me to enter a new place. With the guys it was all or nothing. They got to know all the crap I had to share. But there still came times with them I was embarrassed by me and chose not to share what was going on, especially if it was an ongoing issue.

Jacob and I lived in Africa together for two years. The week before I left I shared some stories with him. He got to know pieces of me he had no idea existed. He wasn't real happy with me.

I have always had a way of answering questions that allows me to reveal only what I'm comfortable letting out. I blame this on the person asking the question usually, because although I answer their question I know full well that they were trying to ask something different and I sure didn't answer that part.

I think I have always been scared of authenticity because people only want so much of it. As a young man moving towards ministry I learned that I couldn't really trust people with all of the truth. I had to hide the parts that would embarrass or let them down. I had to put off this air of perfection. To be honest about my struggles or my fears or my doubts or my sins would let them down. I don't really believe this anymore. I think people are tired of seeing people live a fake faith free from doubts, fears, stumbles.

We set a nasty double standard with people. We want to know a pastor is "real" and has real struggles, but if he voices a struggle with pornography, his job is on the line. We want our politicians to be "real" people, but when Palin's daughter is pregnant we decide she is a bad mother with idiotic beliefs that obviously don't work. Where do we get all of this crap? It is as if we want people to be authentic but only to the degree we are comfortable with. Once again it becomes all about self.

I am only as honest and real as I feel comfortable with. I only want you to be as honest and real as I feel comfortable with. You only want to know as much about me as you feel comfortable with.

I'm not sure where the balance comes. If a person shares all with everyone, we say they should be more private. If they share nothing with anyone they are hiding something. So where is the middle.

Dated a girl once. She read a girly book that talked about an "air of mystery." Now, I get the point, I understand the value of us protecting our hearts. I could stand to do a better job of this myself. But what scares me is how we draw the line between the "air of mystery" and the "veil of deceit." Where do we find a middle ground? Do we work our way there or do we begin there?

I want to learn how to live a more authentic lifestyle. I want to learn what to share and when to share it. I want to learn when to protect myself so that I don't open up too much of my heart before others are ready for it. But I also want to lead by example. I want to own the things I'm not proud of and work to move past them as an example to others of my humanity and his divinity. I want to learn how to live authentically so that I can call others to a place of authenticity.