About a week ago I realized I wasn't laughing much these days. I was down, heartbroken. Then if hit me that when I laughed at something I felt a bit guilty. I wasn't comfortable with that reality. It made me recognize something about the healing I've been looking for. It isn't easy to heal, when you keep reopening the wound.
I haven't really wanted to heal. Healing meant moving on and maybe even giving up. I think I started to like hating my hurt. Does that sentence even make sense? I think I felt like I had to stay miserable so that the only thing that could fix my heart was what I wished for.
Turning a corner on this dark road I've been stuck on meant admitting some things I don't want to admit. First I had to recognize I was making the hurt worse rather than allowing it to get better. Second I had to accept the reality that there is a greater chance the girl is gone forever rather than coming back tomorrow. I kept hoping each morning that today would be the day it would all go back to the way it was. I was holding on to a dream that is forever dead. It can't go back to the way it was. The way it was is gone.
No matter what happens as I continue to travel this journey it will be new. If the lost relationship is revived, it won't be the same as it was, too much has happened. If I end up in a completely new place pursuing completely new things it is obviously different and new.
I'm not saying much in this post. More than anything making public the reality that although I'm not through it, I'm in a better place this week than I was last week. I'm still afraid of the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can see it, and I'm walking that direction.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Still...
My degree and my job experience say I'm a pastor. Right now I don't know what I say I am. I've struggled with this a few times in the past years. When my team arrived to work with me in Africa in the spring of 2005 I felt lost. Didn't know what my role was. Didn't know where I fit in. Didn't fit in in many ways.
About a year later I got there again. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but it may be in past posts. I was lost, lonely, confused, broken. I found relief in the words from great friends and great mentors.
When I came back from Africa, I was miserable for a while. As the first few months progressed it worsened. By spring of 2007 my Dad gave me a swift kick in the pants via a phone call and it was what I needed to snap it back into gear.
In spring of 2008 I again hit a rough patch. Thought I would leave my job. This time words from friends and pastors like Ralph Neighbor and Erwin McManus brought me back to life. Also a love for my students, and a growing love for a young lady helped bring me to reality.
Now I'm in a funk again. I know you keep reading about it, but if you're bored go read somebody else's blog! I'm not sure how to move out of this funk. I fell in love. I got my heart broken. I lost the ministry position I had fought about leaving, but decided I wasn't finished with. I lost my passions.
Great things were happening at the school. It may not have been an exact fit for me, but we were always improving. This next year was going to be exciting. We had hired a great student team. Our staff was figuring out our roles. It was going to be fun. Then I got cut. Suddenly I was out. All of the plans were dead in the water. Now I'm tired of having to share with everyone I see, that I'm again homeless and unemployed mooching off of my parents. I'm not even sure where to look next. I've considered California. I've considered a pastor position wherever I can find one. I'm seeking direction but having a hard time finding it. I'm spending more time in the arms of the father than I have in years, but I'm afraid I'm tainting it all with my desires.
And ultimately I'm not sure how to heal a broken heart. I didn't learn how to counsel on that one while in school. I haven't even learned it in life as I have some of my other advice. I'm just stuck, up a creek without a paddle. All I can do is rely on the tide or the wind. And right now they seem to be squelched. I move back and forth from cycles of getting better, to barely functioning. I feel like an idiot some days. Why can't I just get over myself and move on? Why does a crumpled napkin remind me of my heartache? Why does a certain vehicle or restaurant bring me to tears? Why can't I find me again? I knew how to be me without her, how did a few short months make me lose sight of me?
I heard a sermon from McManus a while back. You're probably learning he is my current church hero (next to Mark and Jason of course). He told a person who asked a question, "Commit your life to loving God with all that you have and then do what you want. God will change your desires to match his if you pursue him." Well dang I thought I was. And I sure know what I want. Why does it keep running away from me?
It has been 3 1/2 weeks. That's it. Why should it be a big deal? Why can't I escape this? I always have before. I've broken hearts before, but now it's mine. Makes me not sure I like myself so much right now.
About a year later I got there again. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but it may be in past posts. I was lost, lonely, confused, broken. I found relief in the words from great friends and great mentors.
When I came back from Africa, I was miserable for a while. As the first few months progressed it worsened. By spring of 2007 my Dad gave me a swift kick in the pants via a phone call and it was what I needed to snap it back into gear.
In spring of 2008 I again hit a rough patch. Thought I would leave my job. This time words from friends and pastors like Ralph Neighbor and Erwin McManus brought me back to life. Also a love for my students, and a growing love for a young lady helped bring me to reality.
Now I'm in a funk again. I know you keep reading about it, but if you're bored go read somebody else's blog! I'm not sure how to move out of this funk. I fell in love. I got my heart broken. I lost the ministry position I had fought about leaving, but decided I wasn't finished with. I lost my passions.
Great things were happening at the school. It may not have been an exact fit for me, but we were always improving. This next year was going to be exciting. We had hired a great student team. Our staff was figuring out our roles. It was going to be fun. Then I got cut. Suddenly I was out. All of the plans were dead in the water. Now I'm tired of having to share with everyone I see, that I'm again homeless and unemployed mooching off of my parents. I'm not even sure where to look next. I've considered California. I've considered a pastor position wherever I can find one. I'm seeking direction but having a hard time finding it. I'm spending more time in the arms of the father than I have in years, but I'm afraid I'm tainting it all with my desires.
And ultimately I'm not sure how to heal a broken heart. I didn't learn how to counsel on that one while in school. I haven't even learned it in life as I have some of my other advice. I'm just stuck, up a creek without a paddle. All I can do is rely on the tide or the wind. And right now they seem to be squelched. I move back and forth from cycles of getting better, to barely functioning. I feel like an idiot some days. Why can't I just get over myself and move on? Why does a crumpled napkin remind me of my heartache? Why does a certain vehicle or restaurant bring me to tears? Why can't I find me again? I knew how to be me without her, how did a few short months make me lose sight of me?
I heard a sermon from McManus a while back. You're probably learning he is my current church hero (next to Mark and Jason of course). He told a person who asked a question, "Commit your life to loving God with all that you have and then do what you want. God will change your desires to match his if you pursue him." Well dang I thought I was. And I sure know what I want. Why does it keep running away from me?
It has been 3 1/2 weeks. That's it. Why should it be a big deal? Why can't I escape this? I always have before. I've broken hearts before, but now it's mine. Makes me not sure I like myself so much right now.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Lying Cookies...
Been about a month since my last post. Somewhere towards the end of May I opened a fortune cookie. I don't put alot of stock in fortune cookies, but it is so very rare to get a fortune, and in this particular cookie I got a fortune. I was told to "Look to the next month for some pleasant surprises."
Now I won't lie...I needed this one to come true. May sucked! Nothing went as planned or anticipated. It was a very hard month. I needed June to be an improvement. Honestly I also hoped the fortune was talking about some particular things. I had certain hopes, was praying for certain things, that I really wanted to see come true.
June got worse!
One week from my last post I lost my job. Apparently the school decided that the role of Campus Pastor was no longer needed. So as the position went, so did my job. It was rough, but the truth is it was like being kicked while I was down. The day before had crushed me. I had received some bad news and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I was broken!
One good thing was going on. As I lost my job, my brother was on a flight to come see me. He knew I needed to be loved on. He did a darn good job. He plays big and tough, but he is really just a great big teddy bear. He encouraged me as I sat defeated, he laughed with me as I needed a boost, he held me as I cried. I'm sure I wasn't much company. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, wasn't really functioning.
I am learning daily how bad I am at trusting God. I don't trust God with my heart. I don't trust him with the one I love. I don't trust him with my life. For some reason, I consistently think I can do it better. Really I probably just think I can manage it and God surely has more important things to be concerned with. I have become too independent, too self reliant, too self focused, too self consumed, too prideful.
Suddenly I had no answers. I had no way to heal my broken heart. I had no way to fix what was hurt. I didn't know what to do, what to say, where to go, how to live. I didn't know...
I had to sit...broken. I had to trust the only one capable of fixing my hurts, my confusion, my desperation. I was driven back to the God I had abandoned. I haven't figured out trusting God yet, but I'm trying. I still wonder if I could do it better - or at least the way I want it done, on my time table, without me getting hurt in the process.
June 26th I got in the Jeep. My apartment was empty and I was in route to Kentucky. I made a few stops on the way. They were good, much needed. I saw great friends. I saw brothers and sisters in this battle of following the Way. I was loved and encouraged when I needed it. It was good!
Yesterday my brother and I headed to Nashville; had to go to the airport. After over two years apart the five members of my family were reunited. Mom and Dad returned from Zambia and Whitney from Tanzania. It was good to see their faces. It was good to hug their necks. It was good.
I am loved, but sometimes I forget it. I am created for great things and rarely I believe it. God's dreams for me are bigger than even my dreams for myself.
I still hurt, but God is able to heal. I'm still broken, but God is working on putting me back together. I'm still confused, but God provides wisdom. I'm still scared, but God provides courage. I'm still lost, but God will light the way.
I'm still waiting...
Now I won't lie...I needed this one to come true. May sucked! Nothing went as planned or anticipated. It was a very hard month. I needed June to be an improvement. Honestly I also hoped the fortune was talking about some particular things. I had certain hopes, was praying for certain things, that I really wanted to see come true.
June got worse!
One week from my last post I lost my job. Apparently the school decided that the role of Campus Pastor was no longer needed. So as the position went, so did my job. It was rough, but the truth is it was like being kicked while I was down. The day before had crushed me. I had received some bad news and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I was broken!
One good thing was going on. As I lost my job, my brother was on a flight to come see me. He knew I needed to be loved on. He did a darn good job. He plays big and tough, but he is really just a great big teddy bear. He encouraged me as I sat defeated, he laughed with me as I needed a boost, he held me as I cried. I'm sure I wasn't much company. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, wasn't really functioning.
I am learning daily how bad I am at trusting God. I don't trust God with my heart. I don't trust him with the one I love. I don't trust him with my life. For some reason, I consistently think I can do it better. Really I probably just think I can manage it and God surely has more important things to be concerned with. I have become too independent, too self reliant, too self focused, too self consumed, too prideful.
Suddenly I had no answers. I had no way to heal my broken heart. I had no way to fix what was hurt. I didn't know what to do, what to say, where to go, how to live. I didn't know...
I had to sit...broken. I had to trust the only one capable of fixing my hurts, my confusion, my desperation. I was driven back to the God I had abandoned. I haven't figured out trusting God yet, but I'm trying. I still wonder if I could do it better - or at least the way I want it done, on my time table, without me getting hurt in the process.
June 26th I got in the Jeep. My apartment was empty and I was in route to Kentucky. I made a few stops on the way. They were good, much needed. I saw great friends. I saw brothers and sisters in this battle of following the Way. I was loved and encouraged when I needed it. It was good!
Yesterday my brother and I headed to Nashville; had to go to the airport. After over two years apart the five members of my family were reunited. Mom and Dad returned from Zambia and Whitney from Tanzania. It was good to see their faces. It was good to hug their necks. It was good.
I am loved, but sometimes I forget it. I am created for great things and rarely I believe it. God's dreams for me are bigger than even my dreams for myself.
I still hurt, but God is able to heal. I'm still broken, but God is working on putting me back together. I'm still confused, but God provides wisdom. I'm still scared, but God provides courage. I'm still lost, but God will light the way.
I'm still waiting...
