Turning a Corner, Perhaps...

About a week ago I realized I wasn't laughing much these days. I was down, heartbroken. Then if hit me that when I laughed at something I felt a bit guilty. I wasn't comfortable with that reality. It made me recognize something about the healing I've been looking for. It isn't easy to heal, when you keep reopening the wound.

I haven't really wanted to heal. Healing meant moving on and maybe even giving up. I think I started to like hating my hurt. Does that sentence even make sense? I think I felt like I had to stay miserable so that the only thing that could fix my heart was what I wished for.

Turning a corner on this dark road I've been stuck on meant admitting some things I don't want to admit. First I had to recognize I was making the hurt worse rather than allowing it to get better. Second I had to accept the reality that there is a greater chance the girl is gone forever rather than coming back tomorrow. I kept hoping each morning that today would be the day it would all go back to the way it was. I was holding on to a dream that is forever dead. It can't go back to the way it was. The way it was is gone.

No matter what happens as I continue to travel this journey it will be new. If the lost relationship is revived, it won't be the same as it was, too much has happened. If I end up in a completely new place pursuing completely new things it is obviously different and new.

I'm not saying much in this post. More than anything making public the reality that although I'm not through it, I'm in a better place this week than I was last week. I'm still afraid of the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can see it, and I'm walking that direction.