Things have been slow at work this week. Things have been slow away from work this week. I get made fun of for how much my phone goes off. I went two entire days with no call, no text, no nothing. So I've been doing alot of reading.
I finished a book about men last night. Interesting read. Only took two days. My friend Mark recommended it and I would pass on the recommendation. I'm having a tougher time with the one about women written for men. I think it may stir up too many memories at the moment. I may need some time before I can get through it.
I am also reading Erwin McManus' Soul Cravings. It is good, but hard for me to read. I build towards the climax. I like stories. A book made of mostly journal entries is a bit tougher for me to read. But it has some really good stuff in it.
I just read an entry on "truth." It mentions how, "Our souls crave truth. We all want to know the truth. We all need to know the truth." Truth scares me. I'm afraid to be honest when honesty could hurt feelings. I really hate when it could hurt my feelings. But I need the truth.
I need to deal with conflict, because when I don't, I assume things are true that are not. I create scenarios in my head that have no validity; but what do I know if I don't have the truth.
Mark taught me the value of truth. He taught me the importance of being honest with those you love and with yourself. I feel like I have tried to get better at this. Sometimes I need to be more sensitive with my truth sharing, but I need to share the truth and I need to know the truth.
A friend and I have been dealing with sharing the truth. We have different needs for truth. I prefer to know the truth immediately, even when it is tough. She prefers to know only what she needs to know. When I don't know the truth I assume the worst; when she doesn't she assumes the best. What a beautiful person to have on your side, one that always assumes the best of you. We are constantly trying to learn how to meet the needs of the other while taking care of our own needs with truth.
I would ask, "Why did you wait so long to tell me this? You know I prefer to know these things." In another situation she would say, "That is one of those things you didn't need to tell me." It is an interesting give and take.
She is so much better at meeting my needs for honesty than I am hers. I hope I can learn from her how to give so fully of myself to meet the needs of others.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Community...
I'm in a constant place of questioning and trying to figure out community. I've lived most of my life with ideas of what community might look like, but no real practical experience to base it on. And then I came to a place in my life with true community. Those I was able to gather around in Waco were an inspiration. They were amazing individuals and formed an incredible group of people.
Each time I have moved I searched again. After some time I usually find pieces of community, but it never quite compares.
A friend of mine who does research claims there are four types of people: 1. Those who build community wherever they go. 2. Those who nurture community when they are a part of it. 3. Those who are a strain on community. They are very needy. 4. Those who kill community.
Since I heard these four, I've been trying to figure myself out. Now those who know me understand that I am my own worst critic. Mix that with my incredible arrogance and it is one ugly picture. But I don't know where I fit on this spectrum of people.
In Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution he quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer saying, "The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community [even if their intentions are ever so earnest], but the person who loves those around them will create community."
I'm not sure I create community. I might even destroy it, but I don't think I create it. I fear I am stuck on my own idea of community. In Africa, I finally found pieces of it...I, at the very least, found a few close friends. In Phoenix I thought I found it, but I'm afraid I have become one of the last two options on the spectrum. I fear I am either the high maintenance drain on community or am killing it and most benefit community at this point by stepping out of it.
According to my most recent taking of the Strengths test one of my strengths is entitled Restorative. As I read a bit of a description on it yesterday it talks of how I am "adept at finding the flaws" (the books words, not mine). It does point out how I will do this in myself also. Because of this tendency, I am encouraged to be around optimists so that my criticisms won't lean more and more toward pessimism. (I think I may be too late.) I fear this reality, makes me quite a strain on community. I pick out problems and seek to fix them. I think that can be hard for many. I never seem satisfied with what is at hand.
A great struggle on my community this semester has been that my heart is even dumber than my head. I over analyze...everything. In high school my friend Beetle told me to "stop thinking so much." I think everything to death (interesting choice of words considering I'm talking about killing community, and dealing with having killed another relationship). Because I tend to over think, I tend to have thought through options and conversations and situations before they even happen. When people offer advice, it is sometimes not a new idea although it may carry new power coming from another mouth. (Callie, is that a better way of saying it?) I've considered the option and get the logic.
I even want to pursue that option as it clearly makes the most sense. But there is another issue, my stupid heart doesn't like to follow. Sometimes I know I have made the right choice about what to do in a situation, but I can't get my heart to follow along. My head says "good job;" my heart says "you're and idiot."
I wish issues of the heart were more logical, then I could understand them better and work myself through them better. I think I do a decent job with issues of the head, but when it comes to the heart I suck at it. The mystery of love overwhelms me. It is not uncommon for me to get tangled up in issues of the heart and not be able to find my way back out of it. Perhaps the issue is that I don't always want to find my way out. Sometimes when it even makes more sense, I'm not sure I want to find my way out.
I long for love. I long to fit in. Erwin McManus does some great stuff with these ideas in the first section of Soul Cravings. He talks of how we are wired to crave love. We do crazy things just to be accepted by others.
I apologize, I've started rambling. I think that is because I have things I want to say, or write as the case may be, and I can't figure out how to make words out of the thoughts and emotions I am feeling.
This week I told a friend I couldn't talk to her for a while. I needed the space to protect my already crumbling heart. I'm not sure I realized the friend I was letting go of until I recognized that the other friends I thought I could fall back on weren't coming through. They were tired of dealing with it or me or something. I need the space; but I don't want the space. My head says it is right; my heart says it is hard. My pessimism says I just shot myself in the foot letting go of something so precious; my optimism says true love returns.
Each time I have moved I searched again. After some time I usually find pieces of community, but it never quite compares.
A friend of mine who does research claims there are four types of people: 1. Those who build community wherever they go. 2. Those who nurture community when they are a part of it. 3. Those who are a strain on community. They are very needy. 4. Those who kill community.
Since I heard these four, I've been trying to figure myself out. Now those who know me understand that I am my own worst critic. Mix that with my incredible arrogance and it is one ugly picture. But I don't know where I fit on this spectrum of people.
In Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution he quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer saying, "The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community [even if their intentions are ever so earnest], but the person who loves those around them will create community."
I'm not sure I create community. I might even destroy it, but I don't think I create it. I fear I am stuck on my own idea of community. In Africa, I finally found pieces of it...I, at the very least, found a few close friends. In Phoenix I thought I found it, but I'm afraid I have become one of the last two options on the spectrum. I fear I am either the high maintenance drain on community or am killing it and most benefit community at this point by stepping out of it.
According to my most recent taking of the Strengths test one of my strengths is entitled Restorative. As I read a bit of a description on it yesterday it talks of how I am "adept at finding the flaws" (the books words, not mine). It does point out how I will do this in myself also. Because of this tendency, I am encouraged to be around optimists so that my criticisms won't lean more and more toward pessimism. (I think I may be too late.) I fear this reality, makes me quite a strain on community. I pick out problems and seek to fix them. I think that can be hard for many. I never seem satisfied with what is at hand.
A great struggle on my community this semester has been that my heart is even dumber than my head. I over analyze...everything. In high school my friend Beetle told me to "stop thinking so much." I think everything to death (interesting choice of words considering I'm talking about killing community, and dealing with having killed another relationship). Because I tend to over think, I tend to have thought through options and conversations and situations before they even happen. When people offer advice, it is sometimes not a new idea although it may carry new power coming from another mouth. (Callie, is that a better way of saying it?) I've considered the option and get the logic.
I even want to pursue that option as it clearly makes the most sense. But there is another issue, my stupid heart doesn't like to follow. Sometimes I know I have made the right choice about what to do in a situation, but I can't get my heart to follow along. My head says "good job;" my heart says "you're and idiot."
I wish issues of the heart were more logical, then I could understand them better and work myself through them better. I think I do a decent job with issues of the head, but when it comes to the heart I suck at it. The mystery of love overwhelms me. It is not uncommon for me to get tangled up in issues of the heart and not be able to find my way back out of it. Perhaps the issue is that I don't always want to find my way out. Sometimes when it even makes more sense, I'm not sure I want to find my way out.
I long for love. I long to fit in. Erwin McManus does some great stuff with these ideas in the first section of Soul Cravings. He talks of how we are wired to crave love. We do crazy things just to be accepted by others.
I apologize, I've started rambling. I think that is because I have things I want to say, or write as the case may be, and I can't figure out how to make words out of the thoughts and emotions I am feeling.
This week I told a friend I couldn't talk to her for a while. I needed the space to protect my already crumbling heart. I'm not sure I realized the friend I was letting go of until I recognized that the other friends I thought I could fall back on weren't coming through. They were tired of dealing with it or me or something. I need the space; but I don't want the space. My head says it is right; my heart says it is hard. My pessimism says I just shot myself in the foot letting go of something so precious; my optimism says true love returns.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Honor and Obedience...
(After rereading this post, it really isn't very good. So if you're not interested just stop reading here. Not like there are many still around to read this thing anyway.)
I work with college students. College and the year or two after are an interesting time in the life of a student and in the lives of their parents.
I graduated high school over 10 years ago. (Wow! I'm old!) Only a few months after finishing high school, I packed up my truck and my Dad's truck and we moved me to college - 4 hours from home. I wanted to be away from home, but still close enough I could get back when I needed to do so. I was close to my parents and my family. They tell me that between the two of them someone cried the entire four hour drive home.
The summer after my freshman year was a tough time for us. I lived at home for the summer. I was a youth intern at a church other than the one I had grown up in. I worked long days and I didn't want to be at home much. I was used to the college life where hanging out started at 10pm. I had forgotten what it meant to ask my parents permission for things. I had spent a year living my own life and making my own choices.
That summer created a rift between my parents and me, especially my mom as we had always been especially close. But it began to form a new relationship between my parents and me. That next school year I started dating a girl. My parents weren't huge fans. They liked the girl, but they had some concerns about our relationship. We disagreed with one another. Amy and I dated for about a year and a half. When we broke up it was for totally different reasons then my parents had held.
It was tough for us to work through these differences of opinion, but it continued to redefine the relationship I have with my parents.
Today my parents are something totally different to me than they were 10 or 12 years ago. Now they are friends, mentors, wise counselors. They aren't rule makers; they don't tell me what to do (even though sometimes I wish they would).
I'm not sure how to help college students and their parents through this journey. It has been happening since the beginning of time - this transition to adulthood. But how do I help students take the plunge? How do I help them see it is not dishonor to disagree? How do I walk with them as they struggle through the heartache of disagreeing with their parents for the first time?
I read in Proverbs 4 this morning where the author says children are to listen and learn from the rules of their parents. Then they are told to keep their rules. Does a transition happen eventually, or is this a life long command? Is the voice of my parents always to carry more weight than any other voice? Is the challenge hear listening and learning wisdom more than always asking "how high" when they say jump?
I walk through this with students, but I'm also walking through it with a friend right now. She loves her parents dearly. She has never disagreed with them on a life choice. It is hard for her parents and for her. It is hard for me to remember what it was like. I don't remember all of the difficulties of the transition. I don't always know wise words to help her with the struggle.
Today my parents and I have a beautiful relationship. I pastor them and they pastor me. They are one of the first I call when big decisions arise. They are one of my most treasured wise voices...I call them to share heartache and joy, victory and defeat. We have a wonderful love and respect for each other. They know I must now make my own choices and they even desire it. But they try to help protect me from pitfalls and guide me towards Christ.
The time between the two is difficult. I hope that I can learn how to make the difficult part easier for all parties involved.
I work with college students. College and the year or two after are an interesting time in the life of a student and in the lives of their parents.
I graduated high school over 10 years ago. (Wow! I'm old!) Only a few months after finishing high school, I packed up my truck and my Dad's truck and we moved me to college - 4 hours from home. I wanted to be away from home, but still close enough I could get back when I needed to do so. I was close to my parents and my family. They tell me that between the two of them someone cried the entire four hour drive home.
The summer after my freshman year was a tough time for us. I lived at home for the summer. I was a youth intern at a church other than the one I had grown up in. I worked long days and I didn't want to be at home much. I was used to the college life where hanging out started at 10pm. I had forgotten what it meant to ask my parents permission for things. I had spent a year living my own life and making my own choices.
That summer created a rift between my parents and me, especially my mom as we had always been especially close. But it began to form a new relationship between my parents and me. That next school year I started dating a girl. My parents weren't huge fans. They liked the girl, but they had some concerns about our relationship. We disagreed with one another. Amy and I dated for about a year and a half. When we broke up it was for totally different reasons then my parents had held.
It was tough for us to work through these differences of opinion, but it continued to redefine the relationship I have with my parents.
Today my parents are something totally different to me than they were 10 or 12 years ago. Now they are friends, mentors, wise counselors. They aren't rule makers; they don't tell me what to do (even though sometimes I wish they would).
I'm not sure how to help college students and their parents through this journey. It has been happening since the beginning of time - this transition to adulthood. But how do I help students take the plunge? How do I help them see it is not dishonor to disagree? How do I walk with them as they struggle through the heartache of disagreeing with their parents for the first time?
I read in Proverbs 4 this morning where the author says children are to listen and learn from the rules of their parents. Then they are told to keep their rules. Does a transition happen eventually, or is this a life long command? Is the voice of my parents always to carry more weight than any other voice? Is the challenge hear listening and learning wisdom more than always asking "how high" when they say jump?
I walk through this with students, but I'm also walking through it with a friend right now. She loves her parents dearly. She has never disagreed with them on a life choice. It is hard for her parents and for her. It is hard for me to remember what it was like. I don't remember all of the difficulties of the transition. I don't always know wise words to help her with the struggle.
Today my parents and I have a beautiful relationship. I pastor them and they pastor me. They are one of the first I call when big decisions arise. They are one of my most treasured wise voices...I call them to share heartache and joy, victory and defeat. We have a wonderful love and respect for each other. They know I must now make my own choices and they even desire it. But they try to help protect me from pitfalls and guide me towards Christ.
The time between the two is difficult. I hope that I can learn how to make the difficult part easier for all parties involved.
The Short Version...
So the crush...
Met a girl. I liked the girl and the girl liked me. There were a few complications. I guess it would be better said that there are a few complications.
We cautiously pursued something. We grew pretty attached. The complications increased rather than decreased. Some of them I understand. Some are a bit less logical.
In the last two weeks we have moved from not talking so that we could pray for direction, to deciding to continue this, to a long chat deciding if we could actually do it, to a chat between me and her dad, to taking a break.
What a whirl wind. I don't like breaks. They hurt. Right now, I hurt. I'll heal. We'll see the face of God somewhere in this too. Our prayer is that God will give clarity, wisdom, direction...
I don't like being away from her, but right now I think it is necessary.
Your prayers are a blessing!
Met a girl. I liked the girl and the girl liked me. There were a few complications. I guess it would be better said that there are a few complications.
We cautiously pursued something. We grew pretty attached. The complications increased rather than decreased. Some of them I understand. Some are a bit less logical.
In the last two weeks we have moved from not talking so that we could pray for direction, to deciding to continue this, to a long chat deciding if we could actually do it, to a chat between me and her dad, to taking a break.
What a whirl wind. I don't like breaks. They hurt. Right now, I hurt. I'll heal. We'll see the face of God somewhere in this too. Our prayer is that God will give clarity, wisdom, direction...
I don't like being away from her, but right now I think it is necessary.
Your prayers are a blessing!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I Saw God Today...
Well of course I realize this is still the same day. And of course I know the title of this post is the song I mentioned in the last post. I'm doing so because the last post brought this one to life.
Today at lunch, I saw God. I've been reading a book by Erwin McManus. The book is called Soul Cravings. It's a pretty good read. I know I'm pretty pathetic, I spend alot of my lunches with a book, but what can I say. It is a bit refreshing...you should try it someday. Go to lunch with a book. Read until the food comes and if it is good enough, while you eat.
So I had laid my book aside to enjoy my Bonzai Burger from Red Robin and the waiter asked me about it. "Are you reading a murder novel," he asked. What a weird question I thought. Until I remembered that the cover has what sort of looks like a bloody thumb print on it. I explained the book a bit, telling him it was by a pastor in LA and what the theme was. And then I remember the morning. I remembered George's song. I realized I was sort of dodging the God talk. So I changed direction.
I shared that Erwin is talking about three desires in all people and how that points us back towards God or at least an intelligent being bigger than us. He asked if a 17 year old would like it and went on to tell me about his son studying philosophy and how he has left God behind. Then he told me about his daughter who wasn't exactly pursuing God either. He didn't share much of his own story, but we got a start on his kids.
I shared more about Erwin, and Mosaic, and the themes of the book. He decided he would just by two copies and let both of his kids read it. Mike was a nice guy. He seemed intrigued by God and especially by the chance that his kids get back in line with God.
We talked a bit about the 20 somethings. I've grown convinced that there is some way we are communicating God to our children and teens that gives them the idea God is irrelevant for about ten years. From about the ages of 20 to 30 people abandon faith. How do we change this? It seems like such a terrible time to abandon faith. So many life decision are typically made during this stage of life. Many decide spouses, careers, moral opinions, what to spend tons of money on (houses, cars, education, etc.), etc. It is a tough time to not be looking to God for guidance.
It was a good chat with a stranger. It was good to "See God Today." I want more days like this one.
Today at lunch, I saw God. I've been reading a book by Erwin McManus. The book is called Soul Cravings. It's a pretty good read. I know I'm pretty pathetic, I spend alot of my lunches with a book, but what can I say. It is a bit refreshing...you should try it someday. Go to lunch with a book. Read until the food comes and if it is good enough, while you eat.
So I had laid my book aside to enjoy my Bonzai Burger from Red Robin and the waiter asked me about it. "Are you reading a murder novel," he asked. What a weird question I thought. Until I remembered that the cover has what sort of looks like a bloody thumb print on it. I explained the book a bit, telling him it was by a pastor in LA and what the theme was. And then I remember the morning. I remembered George's song. I realized I was sort of dodging the God talk. So I changed direction.
I shared that Erwin is talking about three desires in all people and how that points us back towards God or at least an intelligent being bigger than us. He asked if a 17 year old would like it and went on to tell me about his son studying philosophy and how he has left God behind. Then he told me about his daughter who wasn't exactly pursuing God either. He didn't share much of his own story, but we got a start on his kids.
I shared more about Erwin, and Mosaic, and the themes of the book. He decided he would just by two copies and let both of his kids read it. Mike was a nice guy. He seemed intrigued by God and especially by the chance that his kids get back in line with God.
We talked a bit about the 20 somethings. I've grown convinced that there is some way we are communicating God to our children and teens that gives them the idea God is irrelevant for about ten years. From about the ages of 20 to 30 people abandon faith. How do we change this? It seems like such a terrible time to abandon faith. So many life decision are typically made during this stage of life. Many decide spouses, careers, moral opinions, what to spend tons of money on (houses, cars, education, etc.), etc. It is a tough time to not be looking to God for guidance.
It was a good chat with a stranger. It was good to "See God Today." I want more days like this one.
Figuring Out my Own Disappearance...
I pulled out of the main entrance of campus on my way to church this morning. I've been here since September and still can't find a place to worship week after week. So I was headed to a new place.
One thing I miss from the good ole' KY is what I hear on the radio as I drive to church. I really enjoy countdowns. I think it is the fault of this piece of my personality that likes to know just a bit about everything. If I hear a countdown I can talk about current popular music. On normal radio, I don't know if the song is currently a chart topper or was 6 months ago. I'm not sure I even realized my affinity for countdowns until Africa. I missed knowing current music. Once my parents sent me the top forty's in both rock and country straight from the radio station...special thanks to Dr. Jeff! Some of my first memories of life back on this side of the pond are of driving down the highway hearing songs for the first time. I met the Fray and Fergie and Carrie Underwood; was reintroduced to Beyonce and Nickelback and others.
Sorry back to this morning. So this morning I caught number 2 on a country countdown. It was George Strait. Now the crush I mentioned in the last post loves George. So these days when he comes on the radio...I notice. Interesting what a girl makes you notice that you might not have before. So George was on the radio and the song was, I Saw God Today. And it clicked.
I realized the reason I don't post blogs anymore. Somewhere along the way in the last couple of years I stopped seeing God. I know God is around. I know God is working in my life and the lives of those around me. I pray (Interesting how a girl increases the frequency of this too!). But for some reason I stopped seeing God move in the everyday.
Now I don't know the words to the song. I zoned out and entered my own story rather than the ones George was telling. I think there are several reasons I stopped seeing God. One is outside of me. The level of desperation changed. The people I lived in the midst of overseas were desperate. They were desperate for faith, for love, for food, for shelter, for friends, for life...the list continues. Then I changed sides of the pond. Desperation looks differently here. Where in Africa it isn't perceived as weakness because it is so normal, here it is perceived as great weakness. We must look strong, independent. We don't need others for anything. It makes meeting needs a bit more difficult, because the needs of others are not always allowed to be public.
A second reason is more personal. Somewhere I have grown scared of a boldness I once held. I didn't do alot of handing out tracts or sharing plans of salvation in Africa, but I did have spiritual conversations frequently. I also realized how closely aligned overt spiritual conversations and and meeting of physical needs are.
I stopped writing because I don't see God anymore. Not seeing God makes life much less interesting. It changes the things I desire to share. It changes the stories I share. It changes my enjoyment of life. It changes my outlook on so much. I want to start writing again. Not because I want to write, but because I want to see God present in the everyday. I want stories again of God using me. Sometimes I think this pastoral thing makes ministry harder. That might not makes since to many, but it does to me. Maybe I'll share more about this another day.
One thing I miss from the good ole' KY is what I hear on the radio as I drive to church. I really enjoy countdowns. I think it is the fault of this piece of my personality that likes to know just a bit about everything. If I hear a countdown I can talk about current popular music. On normal radio, I don't know if the song is currently a chart topper or was 6 months ago. I'm not sure I even realized my affinity for countdowns until Africa. I missed knowing current music. Once my parents sent me the top forty's in both rock and country straight from the radio station...special thanks to Dr. Jeff! Some of my first memories of life back on this side of the pond are of driving down the highway hearing songs for the first time. I met the Fray and Fergie and Carrie Underwood; was reintroduced to Beyonce and Nickelback and others.
Sorry back to this morning. So this morning I caught number 2 on a country countdown. It was George Strait. Now the crush I mentioned in the last post loves George. So these days when he comes on the radio...I notice. Interesting what a girl makes you notice that you might not have before. So George was on the radio and the song was, I Saw God Today. And it clicked.
I realized the reason I don't post blogs anymore. Somewhere along the way in the last couple of years I stopped seeing God. I know God is around. I know God is working in my life and the lives of those around me. I pray (Interesting how a girl increases the frequency of this too!). But for some reason I stopped seeing God move in the everyday.
Now I don't know the words to the song. I zoned out and entered my own story rather than the ones George was telling. I think there are several reasons I stopped seeing God. One is outside of me. The level of desperation changed. The people I lived in the midst of overseas were desperate. They were desperate for faith, for love, for food, for shelter, for friends, for life...the list continues. Then I changed sides of the pond. Desperation looks differently here. Where in Africa it isn't perceived as weakness because it is so normal, here it is perceived as great weakness. We must look strong, independent. We don't need others for anything. It makes meeting needs a bit more difficult, because the needs of others are not always allowed to be public.
A second reason is more personal. Somewhere I have grown scared of a boldness I once held. I didn't do alot of handing out tracts or sharing plans of salvation in Africa, but I did have spiritual conversations frequently. I also realized how closely aligned overt spiritual conversations and and meeting of physical needs are.
I stopped writing because I don't see God anymore. Not seeing God makes life much less interesting. It changes the things I desire to share. It changes the stories I share. It changes my enjoyment of life. It changes my outlook on so much. I want to start writing again. Not because I want to write, but because I want to see God present in the everyday. I want stories again of God using me. Sometimes I think this pastoral thing makes ministry harder. That might not makes since to many, but it does to me. Maybe I'll share more about this another day.
