Figuring Out my Own Disappearance...

I pulled out of the main entrance of campus on my way to church this morning. I've been here since September and still can't find a place to worship week after week. So I was headed to a new place.

One thing I miss from the good ole' KY is what I hear on the radio as I drive to church. I really enjoy countdowns. I think it is the fault of this piece of my personality that likes to know just a bit about everything. If I hear a countdown I can talk about current popular music. On normal radio, I don't know if the song is currently a chart topper or was 6 months ago. I'm not sure I even realized my affinity for countdowns until Africa. I missed knowing current music. Once my parents sent me the top forty's in both rock and country straight from the radio station...special thanks to Dr. Jeff! Some of my first memories of life back on this side of the pond are of driving down the highway hearing songs for the first time. I met the Fray and Fergie and Carrie Underwood; was reintroduced to Beyonce and Nickelback and others.

Sorry back to this morning. So this morning I caught number 2 on a country countdown. It was George Strait. Now the crush I mentioned in the last post loves George. So these days when he comes on the radio...I notice. Interesting what a girl makes you notice that you might not have before. So George was on the radio and the song was, I Saw God Today. And it clicked.

I realized the reason I don't post blogs anymore. Somewhere along the way in the last couple of years I stopped seeing God. I know God is around. I know God is working in my life and the lives of those around me. I pray (Interesting how a girl increases the frequency of this too!). But for some reason I stopped seeing God move in the everyday.

Now I don't know the words to the song. I zoned out and entered my own story rather than the ones George was telling. I think there are several reasons I stopped seeing God. One is outside of me. The level of desperation changed. The people I lived in the midst of overseas were desperate. They were desperate for faith, for love, for food, for shelter, for friends, for life...the list continues. Then I changed sides of the pond. Desperation looks differently here. Where in Africa it isn't perceived as weakness because it is so normal, here it is perceived as great weakness. We must look strong, independent. We don't need others for anything. It makes meeting needs a bit more difficult, because the needs of others are not always allowed to be public.

A second reason is more personal. Somewhere I have grown scared of a boldness I once held. I didn't do alot of handing out tracts or sharing plans of salvation in Africa, but I did have spiritual conversations frequently. I also realized how closely aligned overt spiritual conversations and and meeting of physical needs are.

I stopped writing because I don't see God anymore. Not seeing God makes life much less interesting. It changes the things I desire to share. It changes the stories I share. It changes my enjoyment of life. It changes my outlook on so much. I want to start writing again. Not because I want to write, but because I want to see God present in the everyday. I want stories again of God using me. Sometimes I think this pastoral thing makes ministry harder. That might not makes since to many, but it does to me. Maybe I'll share more about this another day.