Lying Cookies...

Been about a month since my last post. Somewhere towards the end of May I opened a fortune cookie. I don't put alot of stock in fortune cookies, but it is so very rare to get a fortune, and in this particular cookie I got a fortune. I was told to "Look to the next month for some pleasant surprises."

Now I won't lie...I needed this one to come true. May sucked! Nothing went as planned or anticipated. It was a very hard month. I needed June to be an improvement. Honestly I also hoped the fortune was talking about some particular things. I had certain hopes, was praying for certain things, that I really wanted to see come true.

June got worse!

One week from my last post I lost my job. Apparently the school decided that the role of Campus Pastor was no longer needed. So as the position went, so did my job. It was rough, but the truth is it was like being kicked while I was down. The day before had crushed me. I had received some bad news and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I was broken!

One good thing was going on. As I lost my job, my brother was on a flight to come see me. He knew I needed to be loved on. He did a darn good job. He plays big and tough, but he is really just a great big teddy bear. He encouraged me as I sat defeated, he laughed with me as I needed a boost, he held me as I cried. I'm sure I wasn't much company. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, wasn't really functioning.

I am learning daily how bad I am at trusting God. I don't trust God with my heart. I don't trust him with the one I love. I don't trust him with my life. For some reason, I consistently think I can do it better. Really I probably just think I can manage it and God surely has more important things to be concerned with. I have become too independent, too self reliant, too self focused, too self consumed, too prideful.

Suddenly I had no answers. I had no way to heal my broken heart. I had no way to fix what was hurt. I didn't know what to do, what to say, where to go, how to live. I didn't know...

I had to sit...broken. I had to trust the only one capable of fixing my hurts, my confusion, my desperation. I was driven back to the God I had abandoned. I haven't figured out trusting God yet, but I'm trying. I still wonder if I could do it better - or at least the way I want it done, on my time table, without me getting hurt in the process.

June 26th I got in the Jeep. My apartment was empty and I was in route to Kentucky. I made a few stops on the way. They were good, much needed. I saw great friends. I saw brothers and sisters in this battle of following the Way. I was loved and encouraged when I needed it. It was good!

Yesterday my brother and I headed to Nashville; had to go to the airport. After over two years apart the five members of my family were reunited. Mom and Dad returned from Zambia and Whitney from Tanzania. It was good to see their faces. It was good to hug their necks. It was good.

I am loved, but sometimes I forget it. I am created for great things and rarely I believe it. God's dreams for me are bigger than even my dreams for myself.

I still hurt, but God is able to heal. I'm still broken, but God is working on putting me back together. I'm still confused, but God provides wisdom. I'm still scared, but God provides courage. I'm still lost, but God will light the way.

I'm still waiting...