Still...

My degree and my job experience say I'm a pastor. Right now I don't know what I say I am. I've struggled with this a few times in the past years. When my team arrived to work with me in Africa in the spring of 2005 I felt lost. Didn't know what my role was. Didn't know where I fit in. Didn't fit in in many ways.

About a year later I got there again. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but it may be in past posts. I was lost, lonely, confused, broken. I found relief in the words from great friends and great mentors.

When I came back from Africa, I was miserable for a while. As the first few months progressed it worsened. By spring of 2007 my Dad gave me a swift kick in the pants via a phone call and it was what I needed to snap it back into gear.

In spring of 2008 I again hit a rough patch. Thought I would leave my job. This time words from friends and pastors like Ralph Neighbor and Erwin McManus brought me back to life. Also a love for my students, and a growing love for a young lady helped bring me to reality.

Now I'm in a funk again. I know you keep reading about it, but if you're bored go read somebody else's blog! I'm not sure how to move out of this funk. I fell in love. I got my heart broken. I lost the ministry position I had fought about leaving, but decided I wasn't finished with. I lost my passions.

Great things were happening at the school. It may not have been an exact fit for me, but we were always improving. This next year was going to be exciting. We had hired a great student team. Our staff was figuring out our roles. It was going to be fun. Then I got cut. Suddenly I was out. All of the plans were dead in the water. Now I'm tired of having to share with everyone I see, that I'm again homeless and unemployed mooching off of my parents. I'm not even sure where to look next. I've considered California. I've considered a pastor position wherever I can find one. I'm seeking direction but having a hard time finding it. I'm spending more time in the arms of the father than I have in years, but I'm afraid I'm tainting it all with my desires.

And ultimately I'm not sure how to heal a broken heart. I didn't learn how to counsel on that one while in school. I haven't even learned it in life as I have some of my other advice. I'm just stuck, up a creek without a paddle. All I can do is rely on the tide or the wind. And right now they seem to be squelched. I move back and forth from cycles of getting better, to barely functioning. I feel like an idiot some days. Why can't I just get over myself and move on? Why does a crumpled napkin remind me of my heartache? Why does a certain vehicle or restaurant bring me to tears? Why can't I find me again? I knew how to be me without her, how did a few short months make me lose sight of me?

I heard a sermon from McManus a while back. You're probably learning he is my current church hero (next to Mark and Jason of course). He told a person who asked a question, "Commit your life to loving God with all that you have and then do what you want. God will change your desires to match his if you pursue him." Well dang I thought I was. And I sure know what I want. Why does it keep running away from me?

It has been 3 1/2 weeks. That's it. Why should it be a big deal? Why can't I escape this? I always have before. I've broken hearts before, but now it's mine. Makes me not sure I like myself so much right now.