Transitioning...

The last couple of weeks have been so valuable in helping me transition to being back here. I’ve struggled. It has been so much harder getting used to being back in the States. I didn’t anticipate the struggles. I didn’t anticipating having such a hard time.

I’m not sure what I want to do. I’m not sure where I want to be. I came back with some ideas and many of them have either changed or fallen apart. I applied for a job…found out I’m not qualified. I’ve pursued some things and missed out on some things. Now I’m in a place where I am sitting and waiting.

On Halloween I started a drive to Virginia. I went to a debriefing conference. The classes and sessions probably weren’t all I expected. But the chance to reconnect with old friends and new friends was huge. I found out I am not so unlike many of the others who have returned. Many of us are struggling with this place that is supposed to be "home." Many of us are confused by what home is anymore. Many don’t know what they want to do next. Many of us are struggling finding the passion or desire to pursue much of anything. I was encouraged to continue recouping. Continue resting and waiting to find what comes next.

A friend asked me a question I didn’t know how to answer. “What is God trying to teach you right now?” All I could come up with is that there is some reason I am waiting. There is some reason the things I’ve hoped for continue to fall through.

After Virginia I drove to Baltimore, Maryland. I spent a week with my friend Mark and his wife Missy. It was such an incredible time. Mark is part of leading a church plant. The opportunity to be with the people of Horizon was amazing. I was reminded that many of the things I have dreamed of in a church are happening. An old passion was renewed.

Almost 10 years ago I was called to some type of ministry. For the most part living out that call has always been attached to a local body. Yet, when I returned from overseas I was questioning that. I wasn’t sure I had the giftings, the abilities, or the passion to pursue that any longer. I started looking for larger organizations to work with. Largely I questioned my ability to do what I used to love. Horizon helped me remember my call. It helped me rediscover some of my passions. It was a blessing. The chance to be in the midst of that community was huge. A new thing I’m considering is moving that way. After some time here I may consider moving to Baltimore to be in the midst of church, to be in the midst of Horizon.

However I’m not ready yet. Brenda asked the question, “What is God trying to teach you?” Mark may have helped me answer that question. Mark is great at speaking truth into my life. He knows how to challenge me and encourage me all at the same time.

He helped me realize that I tend to use outside elements to help define who I am. At times I have been defined by school. I’ve been defined by the family I belong to. I’ve been defined by my job, especially my ministry jobs. I’ve been defined by my community. It isn’t so much that these people or things have dictated who I am. Rather they validate who I am. Mark helped me realize that I have a chance to change that right now. I have no job. Most of my family is elsewhere. I have no community. I’m not attached to a church. Currently it is just me. Well, it is me and the God who created and called me in the first place. I want to reconnect with him. I want to be defined by nothing other than Christ and his kingdom.

I live life now with two primary goals. 1.) I want to live the kingdom. I want to be defined by nothing more than the master and his call on my life. 2.) I want to build a better relationship with my brother. I’m hoping that we can move past being connected by birth to being connected as friends. I’m not sure how to achieve either of these things. I’m not good at sitting and waiting on God. I’m not sure how to be his child and nothing more. I’m also not sure what to do with my brother. I’m not sure what it looks like to redefine who we are. I’m not sure how to overcome the obstacles that stand in the way.

Pray with me as I consider what the future holds. Pray with me as I let the savior and nothing else be the defining factor in my life. Ask for wisdom as I seek the Father. Ask for wisdom as I grow closer to my brother. Join me in seeking to live the kingdom in all we do.