Reading...

Things have been slow at work this week. Things have been slow away from work this week. I get made fun of for how much my phone goes off. I went two entire days with no call, no text, no nothing. So I've been doing alot of reading.

I finished a book about men last night. Interesting read. Only took two days. My friend Mark recommended it and I would pass on the recommendation. I'm having a tougher time with the one about women written for men. I think it may stir up too many memories at the moment. I may need some time before I can get through it.

I am also reading Erwin McManus' Soul Cravings. It is good, but hard for me to read. I build towards the climax. I like stories. A book made of mostly journal entries is a bit tougher for me to read. But it has some really good stuff in it.

I just read an entry on "truth." It mentions how, "Our souls crave truth. We all want to know the truth. We all need to know the truth." Truth scares me. I'm afraid to be honest when honesty could hurt feelings. I really hate when it could hurt my feelings. But I need the truth.

I need to deal with conflict, because when I don't, I assume things are true that are not. I create scenarios in my head that have no validity; but what do I know if I don't have the truth.

Mark taught me the value of truth. He taught me the importance of being honest with those you love and with yourself. I feel like I have tried to get better at this. Sometimes I need to be more sensitive with my truth sharing, but I need to share the truth and I need to know the truth.

A friend and I have been dealing with sharing the truth. We have different needs for truth. I prefer to know the truth immediately, even when it is tough. She prefers to know only what she needs to know. When I don't know the truth I assume the worst; when she doesn't she assumes the best. What a beautiful person to have on your side, one that always assumes the best of you. We are constantly trying to learn how to meet the needs of the other while taking care of our own needs with truth.

I would ask, "Why did you wait so long to tell me this? You know I prefer to know these things." In another situation she would say, "That is one of those things you didn't need to tell me." It is an interesting give and take.

She is so much better at meeting my needs for honesty than I am hers. I hope I can learn from her how to give so fully of myself to meet the needs of others.

Community...

I'm in a constant place of questioning and trying to figure out community. I've lived most of my life with ideas of what community might look like, but no real practical experience to base it on. And then I came to a place in my life with true community. Those I was able to gather around in Waco were an inspiration. They were amazing individuals and formed an incredible group of people.

Each time I have moved I searched again. After some time I usually find pieces of community, but it never quite compares.

A friend of mine who does research claims there are four types of people: 1. Those who build community wherever they go. 2. Those who nurture community when they are a part of it. 3. Those who are a strain on community. They are very needy. 4. Those who kill community.

Since I heard these four, I've been trying to figure myself out. Now those who know me understand that I am my own worst critic. Mix that with my incredible arrogance and it is one ugly picture. But I don't know where I fit on this spectrum of people.

In Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution he quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer saying, "The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community [even if their intentions are ever so earnest], but the person who loves those around them will create community."

I'm not sure I create community. I might even destroy it, but I don't think I create it. I fear I am stuck on my own idea of community. In Africa, I finally found pieces of it...I, at the very least, found a few close friends. In Phoenix I thought I found it, but I'm afraid I have become one of the last two options on the spectrum. I fear I am either the high maintenance drain on community or am killing it and most benefit community at this point by stepping out of it.

According to my most recent taking of the Strengths test one of my strengths is entitled Restorative. As I read a bit of a description on it yesterday it talks of how I am "adept at finding the flaws" (the books words, not mine). It does point out how I will do this in myself also. Because of this tendency, I am encouraged to be around optimists so that my criticisms won't lean more and more toward pessimism. (I think I may be too late.) I fear this reality, makes me quite a strain on community. I pick out problems and seek to fix them. I think that can be hard for many. I never seem satisfied with what is at hand.

A great struggle on my community this semester has been that my heart is even dumber than my head. I over analyze...everything. In high school my friend Beetle told me to "stop thinking so much." I think everything to death (interesting choice of words considering I'm talking about killing community, and dealing with having killed another relationship). Because I tend to over think, I tend to have thought through options and conversations and situations before they even happen. When people offer advice, it is sometimes not a new idea although it may carry new power coming from another mouth. (Callie, is that a better way of saying it?) I've considered the option and get the logic.

I even want to pursue that option as it clearly makes the most sense. But there is another issue, my stupid heart doesn't like to follow. Sometimes I know I have made the right choice about what to do in a situation, but I can't get my heart to follow along. My head says "good job;" my heart says "you're and idiot."

I wish issues of the heart were more logical, then I could understand them better and work myself through them better. I think I do a decent job with issues of the head, but when it comes to the heart I suck at it. The mystery of love overwhelms me. It is not uncommon for me to get tangled up in issues of the heart and not be able to find my way back out of it. Perhaps the issue is that I don't always want to find my way out. Sometimes when it even makes more sense, I'm not sure I want to find my way out.

I long for love. I long to fit in. Erwin McManus does some great stuff with these ideas in the first section of Soul Cravings. He talks of how we are wired to crave love. We do crazy things just to be accepted by others.

I apologize, I've started rambling. I think that is because I have things I want to say, or write as the case may be, and I can't figure out how to make words out of the thoughts and emotions I am feeling.

This week I told a friend I couldn't talk to her for a while. I needed the space to protect my already crumbling heart. I'm not sure I realized the friend I was letting go of until I recognized that the other friends I thought I could fall back on weren't coming through. They were tired of dealing with it or me or something. I need the space; but I don't want the space. My head says it is right; my heart says it is hard. My pessimism says I just shot myself in the foot letting go of something so precious; my optimism says true love returns.

Honor and Obedience...

(After rereading this post, it really isn't very good. So if you're not interested just stop reading here. Not like there are many still around to read this thing anyway.)

I work with college students. College and the year or two after are an interesting time in the life of a student and in the lives of their parents.

I graduated high school over 10 years ago. (Wow! I'm old!) Only a few months after finishing high school, I packed up my truck and my Dad's truck and we moved me to college - 4 hours from home. I wanted to be away from home, but still close enough I could get back when I needed to do so. I was close to my parents and my family. They tell me that between the two of them someone cried the entire four hour drive home.

The summer after my freshman year was a tough time for us. I lived at home for the summer. I was a youth intern at a church other than the one I had grown up in. I worked long days and I didn't want to be at home much. I was used to the college life where hanging out started at 10pm. I had forgotten what it meant to ask my parents permission for things. I had spent a year living my own life and making my own choices.

That summer created a rift between my parents and me, especially my mom as we had always been especially close. But it began to form a new relationship between my parents and me. That next school year I started dating a girl. My parents weren't huge fans. They liked the girl, but they had some concerns about our relationship. We disagreed with one another. Amy and I dated for about a year and a half. When we broke up it was for totally different reasons then my parents had held.

It was tough for us to work through these differences of opinion, but it continued to redefine the relationship I have with my parents.

Today my parents are something totally different to me than they were 10 or 12 years ago. Now they are friends, mentors, wise counselors. They aren't rule makers; they don't tell me what to do (even though sometimes I wish they would).

I'm not sure how to help college students and their parents through this journey. It has been happening since the beginning of time - this transition to adulthood. But how do I help students take the plunge? How do I help them see it is not dishonor to disagree? How do I walk with them as they struggle through the heartache of disagreeing with their parents for the first time?
I read in Proverbs 4 this morning where the author says children are to listen and learn from the rules of their parents. Then they are told to keep their rules. Does a transition happen eventually, or is this a life long command? Is the voice of my parents always to carry more weight than any other voice? Is the challenge hear listening and learning wisdom more than always asking "how high" when they say jump?

I walk through this with students, but I'm also walking through it with a friend right now. She loves her parents dearly. She has never disagreed with them on a life choice. It is hard for her parents and for her. It is hard for me to remember what it was like. I don't remember all of the difficulties of the transition. I don't always know wise words to help her with the struggle.

Today my parents and I have a beautiful relationship. I pastor them and they pastor me. They are one of the first I call when big decisions arise. They are one of my most treasured wise voices...I call them to share heartache and joy, victory and defeat. We have a wonderful love and respect for each other. They know I must now make my own choices and they even desire it. But they try to help protect me from pitfalls and guide me towards Christ.

The time between the two is difficult. I hope that I can learn how to make the difficult part easier for all parties involved.

The Short Version...

So the crush...

Met a girl. I liked the girl and the girl liked me. There were a few complications. I guess it would be better said that there are a few complications.

We cautiously pursued something. We grew pretty attached. The complications increased rather than decreased. Some of them I understand. Some are a bit less logical.

In the last two weeks we have moved from not talking so that we could pray for direction, to deciding to continue this, to a long chat deciding if we could actually do it, to a chat between me and her dad, to taking a break.

What a whirl wind. I don't like breaks. They hurt. Right now, I hurt. I'll heal. We'll see the face of God somewhere in this too. Our prayer is that God will give clarity, wisdom, direction...

I don't like being away from her, but right now I think it is necessary.

Your prayers are a blessing!

I Saw God Today...

Well of course I realize this is still the same day. And of course I know the title of this post is the song I mentioned in the last post. I'm doing so because the last post brought this one to life.

Today at lunch, I saw God. I've been reading a book by Erwin McManus. The book is called Soul Cravings. It's a pretty good read. I know I'm pretty pathetic, I spend alot of my lunches with a book, but what can I say. It is a bit refreshing...you should try it someday. Go to lunch with a book. Read until the food comes and if it is good enough, while you eat.

So I had laid my book aside to enjoy my Bonzai Burger from Red Robin and the waiter asked me about it. "Are you reading a murder novel," he asked. What a weird question I thought. Until I remembered that the cover has what sort of looks like a bloody thumb print on it. I explained the book a bit, telling him it was by a pastor in LA and what the theme was. And then I remember the morning. I remembered George's song. I realized I was sort of dodging the God talk. So I changed direction.

I shared that Erwin is talking about three desires in all people and how that points us back towards God or at least an intelligent being bigger than us. He asked if a 17 year old would like it and went on to tell me about his son studying philosophy and how he has left God behind. Then he told me about his daughter who wasn't exactly pursuing God either. He didn't share much of his own story, but we got a start on his kids.

I shared more about Erwin, and Mosaic, and the themes of the book. He decided he would just by two copies and let both of his kids read it. Mike was a nice guy. He seemed intrigued by God and especially by the chance that his kids get back in line with God.

We talked a bit about the 20 somethings. I've grown convinced that there is some way we are communicating God to our children and teens that gives them the idea God is irrelevant for about ten years. From about the ages of 20 to 30 people abandon faith. How do we change this? It seems like such a terrible time to abandon faith. So many life decision are typically made during this stage of life. Many decide spouses, careers, moral opinions, what to spend tons of money on (houses, cars, education, etc.), etc. It is a tough time to not be looking to God for guidance.

It was a good chat with a stranger. It was good to "See God Today." I want more days like this one.

Figuring Out my Own Disappearance...

I pulled out of the main entrance of campus on my way to church this morning. I've been here since September and still can't find a place to worship week after week. So I was headed to a new place.

One thing I miss from the good ole' KY is what I hear on the radio as I drive to church. I really enjoy countdowns. I think it is the fault of this piece of my personality that likes to know just a bit about everything. If I hear a countdown I can talk about current popular music. On normal radio, I don't know if the song is currently a chart topper or was 6 months ago. I'm not sure I even realized my affinity for countdowns until Africa. I missed knowing current music. Once my parents sent me the top forty's in both rock and country straight from the radio station...special thanks to Dr. Jeff! Some of my first memories of life back on this side of the pond are of driving down the highway hearing songs for the first time. I met the Fray and Fergie and Carrie Underwood; was reintroduced to Beyonce and Nickelback and others.

Sorry back to this morning. So this morning I caught number 2 on a country countdown. It was George Strait. Now the crush I mentioned in the last post loves George. So these days when he comes on the radio...I notice. Interesting what a girl makes you notice that you might not have before. So George was on the radio and the song was, I Saw God Today. And it clicked.

I realized the reason I don't post blogs anymore. Somewhere along the way in the last couple of years I stopped seeing God. I know God is around. I know God is working in my life and the lives of those around me. I pray (Interesting how a girl increases the frequency of this too!). But for some reason I stopped seeing God move in the everyday.

Now I don't know the words to the song. I zoned out and entered my own story rather than the ones George was telling. I think there are several reasons I stopped seeing God. One is outside of me. The level of desperation changed. The people I lived in the midst of overseas were desperate. They were desperate for faith, for love, for food, for shelter, for friends, for life...the list continues. Then I changed sides of the pond. Desperation looks differently here. Where in Africa it isn't perceived as weakness because it is so normal, here it is perceived as great weakness. We must look strong, independent. We don't need others for anything. It makes meeting needs a bit more difficult, because the needs of others are not always allowed to be public.

A second reason is more personal. Somewhere I have grown scared of a boldness I once held. I didn't do alot of handing out tracts or sharing plans of salvation in Africa, but I did have spiritual conversations frequently. I also realized how closely aligned overt spiritual conversations and and meeting of physical needs are.

I stopped writing because I don't see God anymore. Not seeing God makes life much less interesting. It changes the things I desire to share. It changes the stories I share. It changes my enjoyment of life. It changes my outlook on so much. I want to start writing again. Not because I want to write, but because I want to see God present in the everyday. I want stories again of God using me. Sometimes I think this pastoral thing makes ministry harder. That might not makes since to many, but it does to me. Maybe I'll share more about this another day.

Life in a New Place...Again...

Wow! Been a while!

For some reason I lost interest in blogging - journaling all together for that matter. As you know I've never been very good at this. That whole discipline thing tends to bite me in the butt once in a while. But I've decided it is time to resurface - even if only for one post.

For those who are not aware. I live in a new place, a new state, a new city. I'm in Phoenix. Been here since September. I roamed for about a year and then finally found a place to settle for a time.

I am a Campus Pastor. My job is to live life with college students. My hope is that I can learn how to do ministry with them. I have good days and really bad ones. But when you string them all together I would say I'm better at this than I thought I would be and I get to work with some great students.

Couple things in my head:

1. I got to go to a great conference last week. I was in California with Erwin McManus and crew. It was phenomenal. It challenged my brain and encouraged my call. I think the day is coming that I will move to California. Not sure how long I'll be there, but I think for at least a time I want to go. I want to consider planting. I want to see church lived out in a new place. It is an exciting possibility! Some great things were said last week. Now I'm trying to work out putting them into practice at Grand Canyon University.

2. Grace is an interesting animal. I've been railed by a couple students in recent weeks. Maybe I deserve it because I hold them to a pretty high standard. I don't really back down and I'm not always friendly about driving them to that place. A couple staff people were talking this week and we realized that often in the name of grace we let students run over us. We are trying to learn to combine both sides of grace...the side that says your fault is overlooked and the side that calls you to greater accountability. The tough thing is I'm not sure students see this as different sides of the same coin. In their mind one is grace and one is judgement. At least the student that attacked me said I was judging him. I didn't know I was doing anything other than calling out exactly what he was doing.

I'm rambling. But according to Kevin and other students I do that often. So I guess I'll end this first one and say farewell until I decide to return again.

PS - I have a crush...

Prayers...

For those of you still checking in I want to ask for your prayers on two issues.

1. Just over a week ago a friend of mine named David committed suicide. David is from the country I lived in and is from a great family. He and I were able to travel together some while I was there. It has been a hard week for me dealing with the loss of a friend. Please pray for his friends and family as we grieve the loss of such an amazing young man.

2. I am looking at a job. A school in Arizona is interested in me becoming their Campus Pastor. I am to let them know Monday if they should book a ticket for a face to face on the campus. It sounds like an intriguing position. Call if you want to hear more details.

Thanks for your prayers!

Random Update...

A friend emailed not long ago to remind me it had been a while since I posted. I was aware, and for some reason still not real interested in posting. Not sure why; just lost interest for a while. However, I want to let those who still pop in know where I am.

Right this minute I’m in Virginia. I am working a Sports Camp for an old friend. I asked him in May if he could use me and he gave me a job offer immediately. I’m leading a team that teaches sports and stories from the scriptures to kids. A local church invites us to do a camp on their behalf and we show up and do camp.

Next week I’ll travel to Maryland and do it. The week after that in South Carolina. It has been good to be in community again. It has been good to lead others in ministry. Some possibilities have been mentioned for ministry. Not sure what will come about. I’ll begin to look more when I finish here. I’m again touching up a resume and getting it out.

Thanks for continuing to pop in. I hope to get excited about posting again soon.

Remembering...

So after months of waiting a passion has been renewed.  It has been hard.  After six months I am beginning to feel like I’m returning to some kind of normalcy.  Now please don’t take that as unchanged.  I’ve been changed; life will never look the same for me.  But I’m beginning to feel comfortable in who I am again.  I lost that for quite sometime.  

I have sent a few resumes to churches.  Long ago I felt the local body was my passion, my call.  I followed the master some other directions but they have led back to this place.  I’m searching.  I’m looking on job sites and talking to contacts.  I’m putting my name in the hat.  Not sure what I will or will qualify for, but doesn’t that old saying go something like, “God calls the available, not the equipped.”  He does the equipping and I have been equipped.  He is still preparing me.  I have not yet “arrived.”  But I’m still coming.  

Currently two options stand out.  One is in Nashville.  It is a plant and they are looking for a senior pastor.  This role has been my desire for years.  It is fun to pursue it again.  The other is in Atlanta.  It is doing missions work.  Both sound exciting.  Perhaps one is a fit.  I’m also looking into some other things.  But these two stand out.  

Confirmation has come in so many ways lately.  I led at a youth weekend.  It was such a blessing.  I taught some people about storying.  I did my first funeral.  So much has happened.  Some of them have been hard, but I have been reminded each time that this is the call on my life.  

A few continue to pop in here from time to time.  Join me in seeking the Father’s guidance.

Update...

I had mentioned my friend with cancer. She passed away last week. I did my first funeral Saturday. It wasn't alot of fun. But my prayer is a woman was remembered and God was honored.

In Pursuit...

Believe it or not I’m working a bit. I know some of you thought that would never happen. I’m doing a bit of substitute teaching. I’m not sure I’m going to keep doing it very long. I have an even greater respect for teachers now though. Some kids can be a pain in the butt.

I’m not stopping because of that though. The problem is a need to make some real money. Now I’ve never been one to seek high pay. I remember a time in college when I was looking at two different jobs. One job really scared me because they wanted to pay three times more than the other. The jobs were very similar. I didn’t want it to look like I was taking the higher pay. I’m not looking for great pay right now. I just need enough work and enough pay to pay the bills. Thankfully I don’t even have a lot of bills right now. Problem is I’m only getting a couple days of work a week.

So I’m looking into other options. I may still sub a bit on the side, but it won’t be a primary thing. I’ve talked to some people about waiting tables. I may look into a little more long term job possibilities if it looks like I might stay here a while.

I’m trying to make some long term decisions right now. A possibility to stay here has come up. Not yet sure if it is something I want to pursue. But I’m definitely praying a lot about it. I’ve also considered moving towards Baltimore. I’ve got a great friend up there. I’d love to spend some time around him and the community he pastors.

For a time in Africa I was miserable. I wasn’t happy with the job I was doing. I wasn’t happy with my community. I was dying. I was questioning if God ever even called me to Africa. I was in a tough place. I made a decision then that I never wanted to be in a place that I was that unhappy. I didn’t like waking up and going to work. I was miserable. I want to find a place and a work I’m excited about. I want to enjoy getting up and going to work. I want to be excited about what the day holds. I’m not there right now. I found that place again in Africa. It was so amazing; so fulfilling. I need to find that place again.

Unrelated Family...

Last week I stopped in my parents’ restaurant.  I went in to see if my brother was around.  When I got there he told me a couple ladies asked about me.  Two women were there who worked for Dad years ago.  I was reminded of something as we sat and talked.  

I thought of my time in Africa.  I remembered how their concepts of family were so different than what I remembered growing up with.  They have an understanding of community as family.  They live near one another.  They share with one another.  They help with raising kids.  I realized I had more of that growing up than I remembered.  I did much of my growing up in a restaurant that my parents opened when I was 5.

As I sat and talked with these women I remembered that they had been like family to me.  They had helped participate in my upbringing.  I had watched them work hard and love people.  I had watched them poor love into me and I was better for having received it.  

One of them is sick.  She has battled with cancer for a while.  A couple of years ago they told her that she wasn’t going to live past Christmas.  She is still alive but struggling.  They have stopped her chemo.  They decided it has worked as long as it can.  

She talked to my Dad on the phone while I was there.  She told him that she was trying to wait for them to return before she died.  Not long after the conversation she asked me a favor.  She told me that she had asked Dad before to do her funeral.  The favor of me was if she didn’t make it until he got home would I take his place.  I was caught off guard.  I told her that of course I would do it, but then I told her I didn’t want to do it so why didn’t she just wait until Dad came home.  She assured me she was trying.

Yesterday, they found two more tumors.  This time they are in her brain.  They started radiation treatment.  We aren’t sure how well it will work or how long it may continue her life.  I hope that if her days are few or many that I am able to be used as a light for her and her one remaining son.  

Reconnecting...

I’ve had so many conversations in the last couple weeks.  It has been great.  Some of them have been exhausting.  It is hard to see people I haven’t seen in so long.  We have chats about life in the last few years.  It isn’t always easy to talk about all of the hurts and joys of the last couple years.  

All of the talks are good.  Some of the conversations are incredibly uplifting.  I had a couple of those today.  I saw an old friend who was incredibly uplifting and inspiring.  She has such a connection with the father.  She was able to sit and listen to me share my story.  Afterwards she spoke such words of affirmation and wisdom into my life.  She spoke amazing words of encouragement for where I am right now.  Some days are really tough.  She understood; she empathized; she encouraged.  It was so amazing.

This afternoon I saw a mentor.  It was amazing.  I haven’t seen him in 2½ years.  He has had a stroke since then.  He looks great.  It was one of those chats that is so inspiring I left filled with emotion.  He walks with a limp now; he couldn’t shake my hand because of a brace on his arm; he talks with a bit of a slur.  Yet, the man is amazing.  He is still filled with such peace, such joy, such insight and wisdom.  

To be affirmed by a mentor is a powerful thing.  They hold the ability to mold you.  You willingly place your life in their hands asking that they craft you.  They offer themselves up to God to help guide your formation.  He has guided me.  He continues do so.  I’ve never had a real mentor.  I’ve always hoped for them.  This man has served as one like few others.  It was such a phenomenal chance to sit with him and catch up.  

God has blessed me with amazing friends, and teachers, and loved ones, and colleagues.  These weeks to reconnect with them have been powerful.

On Tour...

I'm hanging out in Texas. Seeing some old friends and some not so old friends, but friends none the less. I've been in the Dallas area; I'm headed to Houston; I'm headed to Waco. In between I'm hitting a few other places.

If you around I hope we can meet up. It has been so good to see people!!

Travel Difficulties...

The travels continue, but this time with a couple glitches.  I made a last minute trip to Colorado to visit a friend.  The visit was only going to be a couple days.  I landed late Saturday; left Wednesday afternoon.  

From the moment I landed problems began.  They lost my luggage.  I guess that doesn’t only happen on flights to Africa.  The line of people who had lost their luggage was probably 20 deep.  They gave us a number we could call instead.  When I called the number I spent a long time on the phone with a computer.  Finally they put me in a queue to wait for an agent.  They told me it would be a 16 minute wait.  Then 14, then 12, then 15, then 9, then 17, then 19.  I was about to get mad when someone answered.  

My luggage took a vacation of its own…to Utah.  Now how would my luggage get to Utah when I went from Nashville, to Dallas, to Denver?  I will never understand how that happens.  They told me my bags would arrive on Sunday morning at 10 or so.  Apparently it would take an hour to find it and log it and I should have it an hour or so later.  It didn’t happen that way.  Finally my bag arrived 24 hours after I did.  They gave me permission to buy a few necessities and I’ll probably try and get some vouchers or something too.  

If that wasn’t enough the problems continued.  My friend left to go back to California Tuesday night.  Wednesday morning snow started…lots of snow.  I was supposed to fly out Wednesday afternoon.  It didn’t happen.  When I called to reschedule because of my canceled flight, they said, “We might have a flight on the 24th.”  I wasn’t real happy.  They looked at other carriers for me and then realized they couldn’t change carriers because it was a weather deal and therefore “not their fault.”  Finally they found a ticket for Saturday.  

The snow continued until Thursday afternoon late.  There is probably 2 feet of snow or more on the ground.  One drift behind the house I’m in is probably 6 feet tall.  It is crazy.  

So I’m here.  Buried in snow and hoping the problems are done.  If all goes well I should be back in Kentucky by Saturday night.  Then I’ll begin the festivities.  It will be a different Christmas.  Now I’m home and most of my family has gone to Africa.  Do you think they are trying to stay away from me?  Ryan and I will have a great time together, but it will be different.  

Pray for my travels and Merry Christmas!

Transitioning...

The last couple of weeks have been so valuable in helping me transition to being back here. I’ve struggled. It has been so much harder getting used to being back in the States. I didn’t anticipate the struggles. I didn’t anticipating having such a hard time.

I’m not sure what I want to do. I’m not sure where I want to be. I came back with some ideas and many of them have either changed or fallen apart. I applied for a job…found out I’m not qualified. I’ve pursued some things and missed out on some things. Now I’m in a place where I am sitting and waiting.

On Halloween I started a drive to Virginia. I went to a debriefing conference. The classes and sessions probably weren’t all I expected. But the chance to reconnect with old friends and new friends was huge. I found out I am not so unlike many of the others who have returned. Many of us are struggling with this place that is supposed to be "home." Many of us are confused by what home is anymore. Many don’t know what they want to do next. Many of us are struggling finding the passion or desire to pursue much of anything. I was encouraged to continue recouping. Continue resting and waiting to find what comes next.

A friend asked me a question I didn’t know how to answer. “What is God trying to teach you right now?” All I could come up with is that there is some reason I am waiting. There is some reason the things I’ve hoped for continue to fall through.

After Virginia I drove to Baltimore, Maryland. I spent a week with my friend Mark and his wife Missy. It was such an incredible time. Mark is part of leading a church plant. The opportunity to be with the people of Horizon was amazing. I was reminded that many of the things I have dreamed of in a church are happening. An old passion was renewed.

Almost 10 years ago I was called to some type of ministry. For the most part living out that call has always been attached to a local body. Yet, when I returned from overseas I was questioning that. I wasn’t sure I had the giftings, the abilities, or the passion to pursue that any longer. I started looking for larger organizations to work with. Largely I questioned my ability to do what I used to love. Horizon helped me remember my call. It helped me rediscover some of my passions. It was a blessing. The chance to be in the midst of that community was huge. A new thing I’m considering is moving that way. After some time here I may consider moving to Baltimore to be in the midst of church, to be in the midst of Horizon.

However I’m not ready yet. Brenda asked the question, “What is God trying to teach you?” Mark may have helped me answer that question. Mark is great at speaking truth into my life. He knows how to challenge me and encourage me all at the same time.

He helped me realize that I tend to use outside elements to help define who I am. At times I have been defined by school. I’ve been defined by the family I belong to. I’ve been defined by my job, especially my ministry jobs. I’ve been defined by my community. It isn’t so much that these people or things have dictated who I am. Rather they validate who I am. Mark helped me realize that I have a chance to change that right now. I have no job. Most of my family is elsewhere. I have no community. I’m not attached to a church. Currently it is just me. Well, it is me and the God who created and called me in the first place. I want to reconnect with him. I want to be defined by nothing other than Christ and his kingdom.

I live life now with two primary goals. 1.) I want to live the kingdom. I want to be defined by nothing more than the master and his call on my life. 2.) I want to build a better relationship with my brother. I’m hoping that we can move past being connected by birth to being connected as friends. I’m not sure how to achieve either of these things. I’m not good at sitting and waiting on God. I’m not sure how to be his child and nothing more. I’m also not sure what to do with my brother. I’m not sure what it looks like to redefine who we are. I’m not sure how to overcome the obstacles that stand in the way.

Pray with me as I consider what the future holds. Pray with me as I let the savior and nothing else be the defining factor in my life. Ask for wisdom as I seek the Father. Ask for wisdom as I grow closer to my brother. Join me in seeking to live the kingdom in all we do.

Learning and Going...

I’m reading a book with a friend.  Well we aren’t exactly reading it together; I’m reading it while she is reading it.  She is going to a group to talk about it.  I started reading it just to know more about her.  Now I’m reading it because it has plucked a heart string.  

The author has talked about the will of God.  And since I have been on a journey trying to figure out what that means for me next, it has significant impact for me.  

The author hasn’t blown me away yet.  But he has said some things that ring true.  Sometimes authors have a way of saying things that I think I thought but didn’t realize I thought them.  Or maybe I thought them but didn’t know how to say them.  

I’ve traveled a lot since being back.  I’ve been to Texas to see a girl.  I’ve been to Georgetown to see old friends.  I’ve been to Falmouth to make some visits and remember another time my heart got broken.  I’ve been to Tulahoma to visit a best friend.  I’ve been to Louisville in hopes of finding a new best friend.  I’ve continued my journey although the Africa part ended.  I landed four weeks and two days ago…almost to the minute.  I’ve had milestones that I might never forget over the last four weeks...some of them good and some of them not so good.  I’ve prayed for jobs and relationships.  I’ve sought out what is next for my life.

I was asked again this morning, by a group of people who have known me much of my life.  “What is next?”  I thought I knew a few years ago.  Now I only know that I want to know.  I took a week to ask for a clear call.  I wanted to know if I should pursue or back off.  I never found clarity in one or the other.  But I guess I have now.  

This book says that is the norm.  I want God’s will to always be burning bushes or angels with trumpets.  I guess usually they aren’t.  Usually we are to follow what we already know.  I know I’ve been called to go.  I know I’ve been called to serve.  I know I’ve been called into community.  I know I must do those things even if I don’t know where or how yet.  

I still want God to clarify my call.  But I ask more today that he will give me the strength to go rather than the knowledge of where.  Abraham was faithful without knowing where, I want to be that bold.  Paul followed blindly (literally).  I want to follow as the heroes of our faith did and continue to do today.  

So I will follow.  I’ll keep reading and hope that between the scriptures and Erwin I get more insight.  But I’ll go.  This week I’ll go to the east.  I’ll add Virginia and Maryland to my places I’ve been.  I’ll live in community again.  I’ll venture out to do the things I know are right and merely hope that along the way I’ll learn the specifics of what to do and who will do that with me.  Along the way I’ll get hurt; but I’ll heal.  Along the way I’ll go astray, but the shepherd will always bring me back.  I’ll read more books and pray more prayers.  And because he has never failed me yet; the father will speak.  He may speak in ways other than I expect or anticipate, but speak he will.  He always has.    

Country Drive...

Pretty amazing day today. Sometimes I forget what a beautiful part of the country I live in. The chat in Nashville went well. There is a lot to be figured out and prayed through. But we had a good discussion. He helped me come to terms with some of the drawbacks, but not some of the others. It was good to meet with an old friend and share stories and talk about what the future may hold. We both shared some of our hopes for the future. He was willing to accept and be willing to work around the reality some of my hopes may determine what city I want to live in. Literally moments before that meeting at a post office in the mall I sent a resume to Dallas. I hope to hear something from the organization there soon. I’ve received lots of support to look into that option.

So the part about today starts with yesterday. When I finished in Nashville I drove south to see some of my best friends. I had a chance to stay with Chris and Amy. They’ve been married nearly 2½ years; how sad is it this is the first chance I’ve had to be in their home. We had a great time reconnecting and telling stories. It was so good to be with them.

This morning Amy had me share some at her church staff meeting. It was fun. I’ve forgotten how to lead something here though I’m afraid. I’m having to relearn it all.

I left there at 9:30 or so. Made a couple stops before leaving town. Then I began my journey. She lives about 3 hours south on the interstate. But I went home a different way. I spent a total of 20-30 miles on the interstate. The rest I did with back roads. It was great. I was able to see the beautiful hills of Tennessee. I saw homes, and horses, and cows, and little small town restaurants that I wish I had had the energy to stop and eat in. It was a beautiful day.

It really wasn’t though. It was cool and rainy; it was overcast even when the rains stopped. But I hardly noticed. I enjoyed the scenery so much. Some of you Texas folk out there might get mad, but I have to tell you…I like Texas. I lived there and may live there again soon. But it doesn’t hold a candle to the beauty of central Tennessee and western Kentucky.

Sometimes I forget to see the beauty of my surroundings. I get so busy living life I forget to watch life. Not today. Today I watched. I was so entranced by the scenery I almost had wrecks at two different stop lights. I forgot to pay attention to those.

I hope I never forget to relax and have days like today. No matter how busy everything around me gets.

Nashville...

Headed to Nashville today. Going to see the friend about a job that I mentioned in the update letter. Also going to stay the night with Chris and Dwight (even though that isn't really her name anymore). Pray for safety, wisdom, and a great time reconnecting.