My life looked different a year ago. A year ago I still had a job (although that was moments from changing). A year ago I was living in Phoenix (although that too wouldn't last long). A year ago I was nursing a broken heart with no idea I was about to get kicked while I was down. Thankfully a warm hug, a big heart, a little brother was on a plane at the moment the final blow was about to fall. I finished unpacking my office just in time to get in the car and go pick him up. I'm not sure I would have survived those first few days without him.
I never anticipated the last year would look like it has. After catching my breath again, I headed home. All of my belongings in a small storage unit. I assumed I would wait a month or two before quickly stepping into a new place of ministry. But a month or two became three, and four, and six, and now a year.
I've traveled some. I've been with friends. I've lived in my parents' house once again. About half of that time I lived with them. We had the blessing of sharing some life together before they moved back to Africa, and Whitney to Georgia for school, and me to...well we still don't know.
Some things began to change in December. As unemployment compensation was drawing to a close and my parents prepared to fly off to the other side of the world. I started finding more and more chances to serve. I started preaching in some churches in the area. I helped dig a nearby county out of despair after being struck by unbelievable disaster. I married off that brother who had come to rescue me from despair. I buried a friend who had loved me faithfully all the years I had known her. I preached to some youth. I began to interview with more churches. I continued to seek what might come next. And as the year comes to a close I am beginning to see some clarity.
Yet, I still look back and wonder what lessons were to be learned. I've learned much, but fear I've missed many of them. Why did I have to watch love come and go so painfully? Why did I have to be so quickly removed from a position that still showed such promise? Why the occasional struggle with families? Why the loneliness? Why the need to say goodbye? Why the continued residual memories? Why did community not survive the changes?
I'm not sure I always learn the lessons in progress. I guess I'm not clever enough to pick up on it in the moment. Often it pops up though. It's like that joke that takes you a few moments to catch and laugh at. It's like the twist in the movie that doesn't sink in until the credits role.
I'm still learning lessons from the year before. I wish I'd been a better friend. I wish I'd been a better pastor. I wish I'd been a better coworker and employee. I wish I'd loved more boldly. I wish I'd taken more risks. Perhaps I will do those better over the next year.
I have survived that terrible 24 hours of a year ago. The scars aren't gone but they are fading. At times the hurt still lingers, but it also makes me hopeful for the future. It allows me to walk with more wisdom and insight as I pursue the next adventure. It allows me to guard my heart yet long for the chance to love and be loved.
A few themes have popped up in my recent sermons. One of those is that the life of following Christ is not an easy one. I'm not trying to attach my last year to some type of spiritual warfare. I'm only saying that there are many out there who teach that the life of Christ is free from difficulty. I wish they would wake up and smell the roses. I hope to get better at living my life authentically.
An old friend smacked me around on that issue not so long ago. She shared with me that she only remembered moments where she thought she had truly seen "me." I told her that I hoped that tendency of years ago had begun to pass. Now I'm still no open book. It still takes some work to get into the depths of Chad. Many never make it, most are glad they didn't. But I hope that my life looks real. I hope that my faith looks real. I hope that my life of ups and downs and joys and pains are visible to those I seek to pastor. I hope they can recognize that this life is full of all of these. The difference for us is not that we avoid these things, it is that we recognize that even in the midst of pain, and struggle, and doubt there is hope. There is hope for the future; there is hope for today. There is hope we will make it, and not just make it, but thrive through it.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Dream...
I had a dream the other night. I dream pretty frequently. Usually I can't recall them though. I often forget what they're about soon after waking up.
This one was mighty vivid though. And I'm still holding on to bits of it.
I was back in Ethiopia. The city had changed alot so I couldn't remember how to get around. The people living there had changed. My bosses were there. I was hanging out with them in a new house. But there were lots of other people around I didn't know. I was meeting new people. Seeing new faces. Talking about my time there. It was an interesting time of feeling good and effective and valuable.
I was making plans to go visit two families that live there just before I woke up.
On that side of the world they tend to believe that dreams carry great meanings. Mine are usually quite scattered and crazy and I honestly hope rarely mean anything.
This dream was really nice. I miss that place. I love that place. I long for a day I can return and visit. I would love the opportunity to see my good friend there marry in August.
But now, I wait. I wait to see what life holds next. I wait to see where I will serve next. I wait to see what God dreams for me. I hope I am faithful to recognize his dreams; to listen to his dreams; to follow his dreams.
This one was mighty vivid though. And I'm still holding on to bits of it.
I was back in Ethiopia. The city had changed alot so I couldn't remember how to get around. The people living there had changed. My bosses were there. I was hanging out with them in a new house. But there were lots of other people around I didn't know. I was meeting new people. Seeing new faces. Talking about my time there. It was an interesting time of feeling good and effective and valuable.
I was making plans to go visit two families that live there just before I woke up.
On that side of the world they tend to believe that dreams carry great meanings. Mine are usually quite scattered and crazy and I honestly hope rarely mean anything.
This dream was really nice. I miss that place. I love that place. I long for a day I can return and visit. I would love the opportunity to see my good friend there marry in August.
But now, I wait. I wait to see what life holds next. I wait to see where I will serve next. I wait to see what God dreams for me. I hope I am faithful to recognize his dreams; to listen to his dreams; to follow his dreams.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Endurance...
Spoke at a DNow this weekend. Been a couple years since I've been a part of a weekend like this. It was fun...tiring, but fun.
The topic for the weekend was endurance. The youth pastor really wanted to combat this reality that so many students/young adults abandon church and their faith. I shared with them that it seemed to me there were two primary reasons for this. The first is the fault of those that mentor them or journey ahead of them. We must be communicating faith as irrelevant or childish. They seem to embrace it when they're young. They rush back when they have kids. What is it about those years in between that make God seem so out of touch with where we are?
The second has to do with the fact that the journey isn't always pretty. So many TV preachers give us the idea that faith is a joy ride. Well where the hell is the joy ride? I feel like this topic fit my life. Some days all I feel like I'm doing is holding on. Other days I've let go completely and chosen me over God. It's not always a great ride.
Many days it's hard. Many days in the last 5 years I find myself sitting and wondering where God is. In my head I know God is still right beside me, but I sure wish I had some evidence of God's presence. I start to get frustrated - with God, with myself, with the world around me.
As I taught this weekend, I found myself on the stories in the Bible that look more like mine than I often want to admit. Moses started with an amazing call but when through hell before getting the people to the edge of the Promised Land. Joseph has a mighty dream. The next few years aren't so pretty - beat up, sold, falsely accused, imprisoned. Only to end up the number two man in Egypt. David was called out by Samuel. He would one day lead the people of God rather than the sheep of his father. But he spent the next 13 years hiding from Saul in caves.
How much easier would it have been for all of them to quit? How much easier would it be for us to quit? But what about the end game? What about the call place on our lives and in our hearts? God has created us to do mighty things. If we don't fight through the "middles" we never make it to the dream.
God's dreams for me are even greater than my own!!
He will continue the work he has begun in me!
The topic for the weekend was endurance. The youth pastor really wanted to combat this reality that so many students/young adults abandon church and their faith. I shared with them that it seemed to me there were two primary reasons for this. The first is the fault of those that mentor them or journey ahead of them. We must be communicating faith as irrelevant or childish. They seem to embrace it when they're young. They rush back when they have kids. What is it about those years in between that make God seem so out of touch with where we are?
The second has to do with the fact that the journey isn't always pretty. So many TV preachers give us the idea that faith is a joy ride. Well where the hell is the joy ride? I feel like this topic fit my life. Some days all I feel like I'm doing is holding on. Other days I've let go completely and chosen me over God. It's not always a great ride.
Many days it's hard. Many days in the last 5 years I find myself sitting and wondering where God is. In my head I know God is still right beside me, but I sure wish I had some evidence of God's presence. I start to get frustrated - with God, with myself, with the world around me.
As I taught this weekend, I found myself on the stories in the Bible that look more like mine than I often want to admit. Moses started with an amazing call but when through hell before getting the people to the edge of the Promised Land. Joseph has a mighty dream. The next few years aren't so pretty - beat up, sold, falsely accused, imprisoned. Only to end up the number two man in Egypt. David was called out by Samuel. He would one day lead the people of God rather than the sheep of his father. But he spent the next 13 years hiding from Saul in caves.
How much easier would it have been for all of them to quit? How much easier would it be for us to quit? But what about the end game? What about the call place on our lives and in our hearts? God has created us to do mighty things. If we don't fight through the "middles" we never make it to the dream.
God's dreams for me are even greater than my own!!
He will continue the work he has begun in me!
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Winter Storm 2009...
I live in a place where we used to joke about how easily school got canceled. If there was a prediction of snow - school was canceled. So I have learned to take weather predictions somewhat with a grain of salt.
So when I got told an ice storm was coming, I assumed we would get some ice, have some slick roads and maybe even lose power for a bit. I never expected this.
The weather hit Monday night. Tuesday when I woke up I had no power. There is still no power. The phone lines have been down. Cells have been down. They are saying power may be restored to my parents' house in a month. It looks nasty here.
Have you ever seen the path of destruction left by a tornado? Take away the houses that are gone or blown down. Imagine the trees crushed and thrown everywhere; power lines down. That is what it looks like hit all of western Kentucky. There is no path of destruction - it is everywhere.
I saw a pastor friend yesterday cleaning in his yard. Some tree removers had been to his house to look at the damage done when his 100 year old oak tree fell on his storage building. They make their money traveling and helping out in situations like this. They told him that it looks as if 5 hurricanes have blown through our area.
I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself. It is pretty crazy. But we're safe. Life is starting to return to normal with some glitches of course. Took my first hot shower today that I have had in a week so all is fine.
We would all appreciate your prayers. It has been declared a national disaster area. FEMA is here. National guard, power companies, police, EMS, fire personnel, etc., are working around the clock to try and repair all that has happened.
Here is a pic or two.
http://picasaweb.google.com/cmorreau/WinterStorm2009?feat=directlink
So when I got told an ice storm was coming, I assumed we would get some ice, have some slick roads and maybe even lose power for a bit. I never expected this.
The weather hit Monday night. Tuesday when I woke up I had no power. There is still no power. The phone lines have been down. Cells have been down. They are saying power may be restored to my parents' house in a month. It looks nasty here.
Have you ever seen the path of destruction left by a tornado? Take away the houses that are gone or blown down. Imagine the trees crushed and thrown everywhere; power lines down. That is what it looks like hit all of western Kentucky. There is no path of destruction - it is everywhere.
I saw a pastor friend yesterday cleaning in his yard. Some tree removers had been to his house to look at the damage done when his 100 year old oak tree fell on his storage building. They make their money traveling and helping out in situations like this. They told him that it looks as if 5 hurricanes have blown through our area.
I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself. It is pretty crazy. But we're safe. Life is starting to return to normal with some glitches of course. Took my first hot shower today that I have had in a week so all is fine.
We would all appreciate your prayers. It has been declared a national disaster area. FEMA is here. National guard, power companies, police, EMS, fire personnel, etc., are working around the clock to try and repair all that has happened.
Here is a pic or two.
http://picasaweb.google.com/cmorreau/WinterStorm2009?feat=directlink
Friday, November 21, 2008
A village...
I was able to spend a couple of weeks traveling through Texas recently. As I've written on here before I always love the chance to travel and reconnect with old friends. Again it was a great blessing. This journey I was able to see some people I have never seen in the US before. It is strange how time overseas affords you relationships that have never existed here. Great chance to reconnect now on this side of the pond.
I also had the joy of meeting some people I had never met before. Callie is almost 17 months old and cute as can be. It took us a while to buddy up. I got up for breakfast on the first day Callie and I would become friends and she was a bit hesitant. I had breakfast with her mommy and she wasn't moving too far from mom's grasp originally. After I finished breakfast though she journeyed closer. She sat on the kitchen table as I sat in the chair; our faces were only a few inches apart and she checked me out.
We started pointing out facial features. "Nose...eyes...mouth...hair...ears...ears...ears..." She was stuck on my ears for some reason. She would lean right and look at my left ear. Then she would reach out and tug on it a bit. Then she leaned left to see my right one. For about 30 minutes we went back and forth and stared at one another. She would pull my ear and then I would pull hers. She pulled the other ear and I pulled back.
Didn't take long until I was in love.
I love children. I love their joy at little things. I love their curiosity for new things. I love their committment to grabbing your attention.
Callie and I played a game together. It started when she tripped the first time. I said, "Upsy-daisy." She laughed and stood back up...and fell down again, but this time it was on purpose. We would play the game for several minutes. She fell down, usually on purpose, and I said, "upsy-daisy." Then anytime she lost my attention for a few moments to the television or another conversation, she would fall down again and work to mumble out "upsy-daisy." It was precious. She is a beautiful little girl.
She broke my heart once. On the morning I was to leave I made her cry. She wanted to play with my cell phone and I told her "no." She didn't like "no" much. She burst into tears and ran to mommy. I wanted to cry. Her parents said, "She needs to learn she doesn't always get her way." I said, "Not from me. I'm supposed to be the guy that lets her do whatever she wants and then gives her back to you guys to deal with." I wanted to be the "cool uncle."
When I spent last Friday with Jackson he was barely two days old. I was actually with him as he crossed the 48 hour mark. I showed up at the hospital Friday morning and waited until mom and baby were ready for visitors. I finally went back to the room to join mom, dad, Jackson, and one set of grandparents. I became family. I helped pack and waited on nurses and went to buy lunch. As they fitted little Jackson for his car seat I snapped pictures as grandpa had slipped out of the room. As we led Christy down towards the car I took more pictures of a beautiful new mother with a precious new baby in her arms.
We got to the car and I took the video camera from dad as I took video and pictures simultaneously - camera in one hand and video camera in the other. Mom was so clearly filled with joy. Dad was obviously amazed and anxious. Grandma was proud and excited. And I watched. I was so overjoyed, but jealously longed to feel their feelings rather than those of the outsider. But at the same time, I was no outsider.
I walked with them as they met and dated. I stood beside them as they married. I prayed with them as they journeyed to Paris and Thailand. I even visited and watched them work in Paris. I told Grandma that I had worked so hard to convince Jason and Christy to get pregnant before they married five years ago. I was leaving the country soon after and wanted so badly to see their baby before I left. Not sure she thought it was very funny. I really was joking...sort of.
And yet five years later they have Jackson. I am no father to Jackson or to Callie; I'm not even an actual uncle. They make me look forward to the day I will have my own children. But until that day, I will commit to love those children as my own. I will consider it a great honor to stand beside my friends as they begin to have children. If they will have me, I will be a part of their village, because I believe that it takes a village to raise a child.
I also had the joy of meeting some people I had never met before. Callie is almost 17 months old and cute as can be. It took us a while to buddy up. I got up for breakfast on the first day Callie and I would become friends and she was a bit hesitant. I had breakfast with her mommy and she wasn't moving too far from mom's grasp originally. After I finished breakfast though she journeyed closer. She sat on the kitchen table as I sat in the chair; our faces were only a few inches apart and she checked me out.
We started pointing out facial features. "Nose...eyes...mouth...hair...ears...ears...ears..." She was stuck on my ears for some reason. She would lean right and look at my left ear. Then she would reach out and tug on it a bit. Then she leaned left to see my right one. For about 30 minutes we went back and forth and stared at one another. She would pull my ear and then I would pull hers. She pulled the other ear and I pulled back.
Didn't take long until I was in love.
I love children. I love their joy at little things. I love their curiosity for new things. I love their committment to grabbing your attention.
Callie and I played a game together. It started when she tripped the first time. I said, "Upsy-daisy." She laughed and stood back up...and fell down again, but this time it was on purpose. We would play the game for several minutes. She fell down, usually on purpose, and I said, "upsy-daisy." Then anytime she lost my attention for a few moments to the television or another conversation, she would fall down again and work to mumble out "upsy-daisy." It was precious. She is a beautiful little girl.
She broke my heart once. On the morning I was to leave I made her cry. She wanted to play with my cell phone and I told her "no." She didn't like "no" much. She burst into tears and ran to mommy. I wanted to cry. Her parents said, "She needs to learn she doesn't always get her way." I said, "Not from me. I'm supposed to be the guy that lets her do whatever she wants and then gives her back to you guys to deal with." I wanted to be the "cool uncle."
When I spent last Friday with Jackson he was barely two days old. I was actually with him as he crossed the 48 hour mark. I showed up at the hospital Friday morning and waited until mom and baby were ready for visitors. I finally went back to the room to join mom, dad, Jackson, and one set of grandparents. I became family. I helped pack and waited on nurses and went to buy lunch. As they fitted little Jackson for his car seat I snapped pictures as grandpa had slipped out of the room. As we led Christy down towards the car I took more pictures of a beautiful new mother with a precious new baby in her arms.
We got to the car and I took the video camera from dad as I took video and pictures simultaneously - camera in one hand and video camera in the other. Mom was so clearly filled with joy. Dad was obviously amazed and anxious. Grandma was proud and excited. And I watched. I was so overjoyed, but jealously longed to feel their feelings rather than those of the outsider. But at the same time, I was no outsider.
I walked with them as they met and dated. I stood beside them as they married. I prayed with them as they journeyed to Paris and Thailand. I even visited and watched them work in Paris. I told Grandma that I had worked so hard to convince Jason and Christy to get pregnant before they married five years ago. I was leaving the country soon after and wanted so badly to see their baby before I left. Not sure she thought it was very funny. I really was joking...sort of.
And yet five years later they have Jackson. I am no father to Jackson or to Callie; I'm not even an actual uncle. They make me look forward to the day I will have my own children. But until that day, I will commit to love those children as my own. I will consider it a great honor to stand beside my friends as they begin to have children. If they will have me, I will be a part of their village, because I believe that it takes a village to raise a child.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
30...
I don't remember how old I was when I first told a friend that if I reached 30 and was still single I was going to adopt a kid. When I said it I really wanted to be a dad; still do. But I also thought 30 was forever away. It was like one of those possible, impossibilities; how could I reach 30 and still be single. It didn't fit my plans. By 30 I would be married and a father of a couple kids, at least. I would be pastoring a church and moving up the church leadership ladder.
A week and a half ago 30 came and went. At 30 I'm single and unemployed and living at my parents again. I have no idea what is coming next in life. I have no idea where I'll live next, or what my next job will be. I have no clue when I'll marry or who it may be. I'm sure not where I planned to be at age 30.
People have asked and I'm sure will continue to "Where do you see yourself in 5 years." I don't know how to answer that question, because I sure didn't see myself here 5 years ago.
It is disappointing to be "here" sometimes.
As I made my plans to be a father and a husband and a pastor, I also never planned some other things. I never planned to live in Africa. I never planned to meet my best friends at seminary. I never planned trips to Turkey, or Egypt, or Yemen, or Zambia, or Tanzania, or Paris. I never planned my parents would live in Africa as missionaries. I never considered pastoring college students in Arizona. I never planned to meet and spend parts of life with some of the incredible people I've met. I never planned to touch some of the lives I've touched, or to have my life impacted by so many people. I never planned to hurt so much. I never planned to learn so much.
Sure, I would give back some of the heartache. But I would never give back the lessons I've learned nor the ones I'm continuing to learn.
In a short 30 years I've lived more life than I could ever have dreamed. Some of my plans have been delayed and even changed. But the replacements have been well worth the adventure!!
A week and a half ago 30 came and went. At 30 I'm single and unemployed and living at my parents again. I have no idea what is coming next in life. I have no idea where I'll live next, or what my next job will be. I have no clue when I'll marry or who it may be. I'm sure not where I planned to be at age 30.
People have asked and I'm sure will continue to "Where do you see yourself in 5 years." I don't know how to answer that question, because I sure didn't see myself here 5 years ago.
It is disappointing to be "here" sometimes.
As I made my plans to be a father and a husband and a pastor, I also never planned some other things. I never planned to live in Africa. I never planned to meet my best friends at seminary. I never planned trips to Turkey, or Egypt, or Yemen, or Zambia, or Tanzania, or Paris. I never planned my parents would live in Africa as missionaries. I never considered pastoring college students in Arizona. I never planned to meet and spend parts of life with some of the incredible people I've met. I never planned to touch some of the lives I've touched, or to have my life impacted by so many people. I never planned to hurt so much. I never planned to learn so much.
Sure, I would give back some of the heartache. But I would never give back the lessons I've learned nor the ones I'm continuing to learn.
In a short 30 years I've lived more life than I could ever have dreamed. Some of my plans have been delayed and even changed. But the replacements have been well worth the adventure!!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Family...
This week I was reminding of the blessing of family. Somehow last Sunday, Ike regained strength hitting Western Kentucky. They say winds were in the 40 to 50 mile range with gusts of 60 to 75 miles per hour.
Most of the damage right around us was minor. Some lost houses because trees landed on them; my grandparents lost half of their barn; we lost some trees and just a bit of old siding. The tough part for us and for thousands in the area was the loss of electricity. Our power went out Sunday morning and didn't come back until sometime Tuesday afternoon. We were surprised to get it back because we had been told it would be Wednesday at the earliest. Also over 3,000 customers provided by our power company still had none as of Tuesday night.
So Sunday we worked about half a day trying to clean up. Then we went to my grandparents' house. For the next two nights we stayed there. We shared large meals and lots of laughter. It was like the holidays. My cousins and I used to joke that we only saw one another on Christmas and Thanksgiving. The truth is, we were pretty close and those were the only guaranteed meetings of all the members of the family.
Now it is true. We only all get together at Christmas. And with my overseas travel and my families, this year will be the first time since 2003 that we have all been together.
We weren't all together this week, but several of us were there. It was nice to sit together at the same table. It was nice to share stories and share food. It was nice to play with babies and give hugs. It was nice to be family.
For the most part I have spent the last 10 or 12 years away from family. It makes each reunion more of a blessing. This week was a blessing disguised as a damaging storm. I only hope others were allowed to experience some blessing in the midst of the storm.
Most of the damage right around us was minor. Some lost houses because trees landed on them; my grandparents lost half of their barn; we lost some trees and just a bit of old siding. The tough part for us and for thousands in the area was the loss of electricity. Our power went out Sunday morning and didn't come back until sometime Tuesday afternoon. We were surprised to get it back because we had been told it would be Wednesday at the earliest. Also over 3,000 customers provided by our power company still had none as of Tuesday night.
So Sunday we worked about half a day trying to clean up. Then we went to my grandparents' house. For the next two nights we stayed there. We shared large meals and lots of laughter. It was like the holidays. My cousins and I used to joke that we only saw one another on Christmas and Thanksgiving. The truth is, we were pretty close and those were the only guaranteed meetings of all the members of the family.
Now it is true. We only all get together at Christmas. And with my overseas travel and my families, this year will be the first time since 2003 that we have all been together.
We weren't all together this week, but several of us were there. It was nice to sit together at the same table. It was nice to share stories and share food. It was nice to play with babies and give hugs. It was nice to be family.
For the most part I have spent the last 10 or 12 years away from family. It makes each reunion more of a blessing. This week was a blessing disguised as a damaging storm. I only hope others were allowed to experience some blessing in the midst of the storm.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Authentic Living...
If I were to be asked about things in ministry that are important to me authenticity would definitely be on the list. Part of the reason I was drawn to the job at Canyon had to do with believing that the things college students needed or desired aligned with my passions. When I was asked about the needs of college students I mentioned three things: authenticity, community, and a desire to play a role in service.
I think my community at Truett really drove me towards the passions for community and authenticity. I had never had close friends before that. I had lots of friends. I knew lots of people. Jason tells me that I'm the kind of person who would say I don't have any friends but that lots of people would consider themselves my friends. Who knows, maybe he's right. I guess I always felt that my friendships missed something. I had people, but I don't think I had community. I had friendships, but they weren't very authentic.
As much as I would promote authenticity, I'm not sure I know what it is or how much of it people want. I think I pretend to be open and authentic. I have always prided myself on being a what you see is what you get kind of guy. (I think lots of people wish I hadn't been quite so much this way.) What this meant was that I was a bit harsh or blunt. I would say what I was thinking, I would do what I wanted, like it or not. I tried to call my arrogance, authenticity.
My friends at Truett forced me to enter a new place. With the guys it was all or nothing. They got to know all the crap I had to share. But there still came times with them I was embarrassed by me and chose not to share what was going on, especially if it was an ongoing issue.
Jacob and I lived in Africa together for two years. The week before I left I shared some stories with him. He got to know pieces of me he had no idea existed. He wasn't real happy with me.
I have always had a way of answering questions that allows me to reveal only what I'm comfortable letting out. I blame this on the person asking the question usually, because although I answer their question I know full well that they were trying to ask something different and I sure didn't answer that part.
I think I have always been scared of authenticity because people only want so much of it. As a young man moving towards ministry I learned that I couldn't really trust people with all of the truth. I had to hide the parts that would embarrass or let them down. I had to put off this air of perfection. To be honest about my struggles or my fears or my doubts or my sins would let them down. I don't really believe this anymore. I think people are tired of seeing people live a fake faith free from doubts, fears, stumbles.
We set a nasty double standard with people. We want to know a pastor is "real" and has real struggles, but if he voices a struggle with pornography, his job is on the line. We want our politicians to be "real" people, but when Palin's daughter is pregnant we decide she is a bad mother with idiotic beliefs that obviously don't work. Where do we get all of this crap? It is as if we want people to be authentic but only to the degree we are comfortable with. Once again it becomes all about self.
I am only as honest and real as I feel comfortable with. I only want you to be as honest and real as I feel comfortable with. You only want to know as much about me as you feel comfortable with.
I'm not sure where the balance comes. If a person shares all with everyone, we say they should be more private. If they share nothing with anyone they are hiding something. So where is the middle.
Dated a girl once. She read a girly book that talked about an "air of mystery." Now, I get the point, I understand the value of us protecting our hearts. I could stand to do a better job of this myself. But what scares me is how we draw the line between the "air of mystery" and the "veil of deceit." Where do we find a middle ground? Do we work our way there or do we begin there?
I want to learn how to live a more authentic lifestyle. I want to learn what to share and when to share it. I want to learn when to protect myself so that I don't open up too much of my heart before others are ready for it. But I also want to lead by example. I want to own the things I'm not proud of and work to move past them as an example to others of my humanity and his divinity. I want to learn how to live authentically so that I can call others to a place of authenticity.
I think my community at Truett really drove me towards the passions for community and authenticity. I had never had close friends before that. I had lots of friends. I knew lots of people. Jason tells me that I'm the kind of person who would say I don't have any friends but that lots of people would consider themselves my friends. Who knows, maybe he's right. I guess I always felt that my friendships missed something. I had people, but I don't think I had community. I had friendships, but they weren't very authentic.
As much as I would promote authenticity, I'm not sure I know what it is or how much of it people want. I think I pretend to be open and authentic. I have always prided myself on being a what you see is what you get kind of guy. (I think lots of people wish I hadn't been quite so much this way.) What this meant was that I was a bit harsh or blunt. I would say what I was thinking, I would do what I wanted, like it or not. I tried to call my arrogance, authenticity.
My friends at Truett forced me to enter a new place. With the guys it was all or nothing. They got to know all the crap I had to share. But there still came times with them I was embarrassed by me and chose not to share what was going on, especially if it was an ongoing issue.
Jacob and I lived in Africa together for two years. The week before I left I shared some stories with him. He got to know pieces of me he had no idea existed. He wasn't real happy with me.
I have always had a way of answering questions that allows me to reveal only what I'm comfortable letting out. I blame this on the person asking the question usually, because although I answer their question I know full well that they were trying to ask something different and I sure didn't answer that part.
I think I have always been scared of authenticity because people only want so much of it. As a young man moving towards ministry I learned that I couldn't really trust people with all of the truth. I had to hide the parts that would embarrass or let them down. I had to put off this air of perfection. To be honest about my struggles or my fears or my doubts or my sins would let them down. I don't really believe this anymore. I think people are tired of seeing people live a fake faith free from doubts, fears, stumbles.
We set a nasty double standard with people. We want to know a pastor is "real" and has real struggles, but if he voices a struggle with pornography, his job is on the line. We want our politicians to be "real" people, but when Palin's daughter is pregnant we decide she is a bad mother with idiotic beliefs that obviously don't work. Where do we get all of this crap? It is as if we want people to be authentic but only to the degree we are comfortable with. Once again it becomes all about self.
I am only as honest and real as I feel comfortable with. I only want you to be as honest and real as I feel comfortable with. You only want to know as much about me as you feel comfortable with.
I'm not sure where the balance comes. If a person shares all with everyone, we say they should be more private. If they share nothing with anyone they are hiding something. So where is the middle.
Dated a girl once. She read a girly book that talked about an "air of mystery." Now, I get the point, I understand the value of us protecting our hearts. I could stand to do a better job of this myself. But what scares me is how we draw the line between the "air of mystery" and the "veil of deceit." Where do we find a middle ground? Do we work our way there or do we begin there?
I want to learn how to live a more authentic lifestyle. I want to learn what to share and when to share it. I want to learn when to protect myself so that I don't open up too much of my heart before others are ready for it. But I also want to lead by example. I want to own the things I'm not proud of and work to move past them as an example to others of my humanity and his divinity. I want to learn how to live authentically so that I can call others to a place of authenticity.
Update...
Great week in Baltimore. Still no job. Not sure where the heck I'm going next. I'm working on a couple other posts. They'll come soon.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Richmond...
Only a handful of you still read this blog, but to those faithful few I ask a favor. While I am in Baltimore my folks will be in Richmond, VA. Zambia stole their heart. After spending two years serving there they desire to return. This week they will be sitting in interviews discussing the potential to return.
They desire to return in January. They miss their friends. They miss home. Pray with me. Pray for them as they have several hard conversations about what God has done in their life and how he wants to continue using them among the Tonga. Ask for wisdom as they speak, ask for courage as they venture into new worlds, ask for favor as they seek approval from the board of trustees, ask for perseverance as they chase after the savior.
Thanks!!
They desire to return in January. They miss their friends. They miss home. Pray with me. Pray for them as they have several hard conversations about what God has done in their life and how he wants to continue using them among the Tonga. Ask for wisdom as they speak, ask for courage as they venture into new worlds, ask for favor as they seek approval from the board of trustees, ask for perseverance as they chase after the savior.
Thanks!!
Baltimore...
I have some great people in my life. Those I call in times like I've suffered through recently. Those I lean on when things are rough; those I celebrate with when things are great. There is a short list of people who are in a type of inner circle. I've opened my life up to them. I share the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Most of the time we hide the bad and the ugly. People ask how we are and the answer is always "I'm good, how are you?" Well sometimes I'm not so good and these people know it. The great thing is that they are the ones that even understand when my "I'm good, how are you?" means that I'm not so good.
I am one of the lucky ones - my parents are on this list. They have become great friends and mentors in life. I am lucky to have the relationship that I have with them.
As I've written many times before, I was also fortunate enough to walk into a small group of these people while in Waco. They are my inner circle. They are the type of people that I drive hours out of the way to spend minutes with. They are friends in the truest sense of the word. They are church like I have never seen or lived in the midst of before or since.
Rarely are we all united together. We were several weeks ago as I commuted back from Phoenix to Kentucky. I'm not sure when we'll all be together again. We usually strive for New Years. The group has become 7...three couples and me. There is something unique about this circle of friends. I'm not even sure how to find the words to explain it. What I know is that they restore my soul. They reignite my spirit.
Next week won't be a reunion of all of us. But I'll get to be with Mark and Missy. I cherish opportunities to be with the two of them. Mark has an ability to always speak great words of wisdom into my life. He helps me remember things I've forgotten - things about myself, things about God, things about life, things about my call, just things. And Missy is a phenomenal host. Coleen, her mother, has passed the gift on. It is great to be in their home. To share meals, to share stories, to share laughs, to share tears.
I'm excited for the week ahead. I even get to ride a train for the first time. Should be fun!
Most of the time we hide the bad and the ugly. People ask how we are and the answer is always "I'm good, how are you?" Well sometimes I'm not so good and these people know it. The great thing is that they are the ones that even understand when my "I'm good, how are you?" means that I'm not so good.
I am one of the lucky ones - my parents are on this list. They have become great friends and mentors in life. I am lucky to have the relationship that I have with them.
As I've written many times before, I was also fortunate enough to walk into a small group of these people while in Waco. They are my inner circle. They are the type of people that I drive hours out of the way to spend minutes with. They are friends in the truest sense of the word. They are church like I have never seen or lived in the midst of before or since.
Rarely are we all united together. We were several weeks ago as I commuted back from Phoenix to Kentucky. I'm not sure when we'll all be together again. We usually strive for New Years. The group has become 7...three couples and me. There is something unique about this circle of friends. I'm not even sure how to find the words to explain it. What I know is that they restore my soul. They reignite my spirit.
Next week won't be a reunion of all of us. But I'll get to be with Mark and Missy. I cherish opportunities to be with the two of them. Mark has an ability to always speak great words of wisdom into my life. He helps me remember things I've forgotten - things about myself, things about God, things about life, things about my call, just things. And Missy is a phenomenal host. Coleen, her mother, has passed the gift on. It is great to be in their home. To share meals, to share stories, to share laughs, to share tears.
I'm excited for the week ahead. I even get to ride a train for the first time. Should be fun!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Turning a Corner, Perhaps...
About a week ago I realized I wasn't laughing much these days. I was down, heartbroken. Then if hit me that when I laughed at something I felt a bit guilty. I wasn't comfortable with that reality. It made me recognize something about the healing I've been looking for. It isn't easy to heal, when you keep reopening the wound.
I haven't really wanted to heal. Healing meant moving on and maybe even giving up. I think I started to like hating my hurt. Does that sentence even make sense? I think I felt like I had to stay miserable so that the only thing that could fix my heart was what I wished for.
Turning a corner on this dark road I've been stuck on meant admitting some things I don't want to admit. First I had to recognize I was making the hurt worse rather than allowing it to get better. Second I had to accept the reality that there is a greater chance the girl is gone forever rather than coming back tomorrow. I kept hoping each morning that today would be the day it would all go back to the way it was. I was holding on to a dream that is forever dead. It can't go back to the way it was. The way it was is gone.
No matter what happens as I continue to travel this journey it will be new. If the lost relationship is revived, it won't be the same as it was, too much has happened. If I end up in a completely new place pursuing completely new things it is obviously different and new.
I'm not saying much in this post. More than anything making public the reality that although I'm not through it, I'm in a better place this week than I was last week. I'm still afraid of the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can see it, and I'm walking that direction.
I haven't really wanted to heal. Healing meant moving on and maybe even giving up. I think I started to like hating my hurt. Does that sentence even make sense? I think I felt like I had to stay miserable so that the only thing that could fix my heart was what I wished for.
Turning a corner on this dark road I've been stuck on meant admitting some things I don't want to admit. First I had to recognize I was making the hurt worse rather than allowing it to get better. Second I had to accept the reality that there is a greater chance the girl is gone forever rather than coming back tomorrow. I kept hoping each morning that today would be the day it would all go back to the way it was. I was holding on to a dream that is forever dead. It can't go back to the way it was. The way it was is gone.
No matter what happens as I continue to travel this journey it will be new. If the lost relationship is revived, it won't be the same as it was, too much has happened. If I end up in a completely new place pursuing completely new things it is obviously different and new.
I'm not saying much in this post. More than anything making public the reality that although I'm not through it, I'm in a better place this week than I was last week. I'm still afraid of the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can see it, and I'm walking that direction.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Still...
My degree and my job experience say I'm a pastor. Right now I don't know what I say I am. I've struggled with this a few times in the past years. When my team arrived to work with me in Africa in the spring of 2005 I felt lost. Didn't know what my role was. Didn't know where I fit in. Didn't fit in in many ways.
About a year later I got there again. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but it may be in past posts. I was lost, lonely, confused, broken. I found relief in the words from great friends and great mentors.
When I came back from Africa, I was miserable for a while. As the first few months progressed it worsened. By spring of 2007 my Dad gave me a swift kick in the pants via a phone call and it was what I needed to snap it back into gear.
In spring of 2008 I again hit a rough patch. Thought I would leave my job. This time words from friends and pastors like Ralph Neighbor and Erwin McManus brought me back to life. Also a love for my students, and a growing love for a young lady helped bring me to reality.
Now I'm in a funk again. I know you keep reading about it, but if you're bored go read somebody else's blog! I'm not sure how to move out of this funk. I fell in love. I got my heart broken. I lost the ministry position I had fought about leaving, but decided I wasn't finished with. I lost my passions.
Great things were happening at the school. It may not have been an exact fit for me, but we were always improving. This next year was going to be exciting. We had hired a great student team. Our staff was figuring out our roles. It was going to be fun. Then I got cut. Suddenly I was out. All of the plans were dead in the water. Now I'm tired of having to share with everyone I see, that I'm again homeless and unemployed mooching off of my parents. I'm not even sure where to look next. I've considered California. I've considered a pastor position wherever I can find one. I'm seeking direction but having a hard time finding it. I'm spending more time in the arms of the father than I have in years, but I'm afraid I'm tainting it all with my desires.
And ultimately I'm not sure how to heal a broken heart. I didn't learn how to counsel on that one while in school. I haven't even learned it in life as I have some of my other advice. I'm just stuck, up a creek without a paddle. All I can do is rely on the tide or the wind. And right now they seem to be squelched. I move back and forth from cycles of getting better, to barely functioning. I feel like an idiot some days. Why can't I just get over myself and move on? Why does a crumpled napkin remind me of my heartache? Why does a certain vehicle or restaurant bring me to tears? Why can't I find me again? I knew how to be me without her, how did a few short months make me lose sight of me?
I heard a sermon from McManus a while back. You're probably learning he is my current church hero (next to Mark and Jason of course). He told a person who asked a question, "Commit your life to loving God with all that you have and then do what you want. God will change your desires to match his if you pursue him." Well dang I thought I was. And I sure know what I want. Why does it keep running away from me?
It has been 3 1/2 weeks. That's it. Why should it be a big deal? Why can't I escape this? I always have before. I've broken hearts before, but now it's mine. Makes me not sure I like myself so much right now.
About a year later I got there again. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but it may be in past posts. I was lost, lonely, confused, broken. I found relief in the words from great friends and great mentors.
When I came back from Africa, I was miserable for a while. As the first few months progressed it worsened. By spring of 2007 my Dad gave me a swift kick in the pants via a phone call and it was what I needed to snap it back into gear.
In spring of 2008 I again hit a rough patch. Thought I would leave my job. This time words from friends and pastors like Ralph Neighbor and Erwin McManus brought me back to life. Also a love for my students, and a growing love for a young lady helped bring me to reality.
Now I'm in a funk again. I know you keep reading about it, but if you're bored go read somebody else's blog! I'm not sure how to move out of this funk. I fell in love. I got my heart broken. I lost the ministry position I had fought about leaving, but decided I wasn't finished with. I lost my passions.
Great things were happening at the school. It may not have been an exact fit for me, but we were always improving. This next year was going to be exciting. We had hired a great student team. Our staff was figuring out our roles. It was going to be fun. Then I got cut. Suddenly I was out. All of the plans were dead in the water. Now I'm tired of having to share with everyone I see, that I'm again homeless and unemployed mooching off of my parents. I'm not even sure where to look next. I've considered California. I've considered a pastor position wherever I can find one. I'm seeking direction but having a hard time finding it. I'm spending more time in the arms of the father than I have in years, but I'm afraid I'm tainting it all with my desires.
And ultimately I'm not sure how to heal a broken heart. I didn't learn how to counsel on that one while in school. I haven't even learned it in life as I have some of my other advice. I'm just stuck, up a creek without a paddle. All I can do is rely on the tide or the wind. And right now they seem to be squelched. I move back and forth from cycles of getting better, to barely functioning. I feel like an idiot some days. Why can't I just get over myself and move on? Why does a crumpled napkin remind me of my heartache? Why does a certain vehicle or restaurant bring me to tears? Why can't I find me again? I knew how to be me without her, how did a few short months make me lose sight of me?
I heard a sermon from McManus a while back. You're probably learning he is my current church hero (next to Mark and Jason of course). He told a person who asked a question, "Commit your life to loving God with all that you have and then do what you want. God will change your desires to match his if you pursue him." Well dang I thought I was. And I sure know what I want. Why does it keep running away from me?
It has been 3 1/2 weeks. That's it. Why should it be a big deal? Why can't I escape this? I always have before. I've broken hearts before, but now it's mine. Makes me not sure I like myself so much right now.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Lying Cookies...
Been about a month since my last post. Somewhere towards the end of May I opened a fortune cookie. I don't put alot of stock in fortune cookies, but it is so very rare to get a fortune, and in this particular cookie I got a fortune. I was told to "Look to the next month for some pleasant surprises."
Now I won't lie...I needed this one to come true. May sucked! Nothing went as planned or anticipated. It was a very hard month. I needed June to be an improvement. Honestly I also hoped the fortune was talking about some particular things. I had certain hopes, was praying for certain things, that I really wanted to see come true.
June got worse!
One week from my last post I lost my job. Apparently the school decided that the role of Campus Pastor was no longer needed. So as the position went, so did my job. It was rough, but the truth is it was like being kicked while I was down. The day before had crushed me. I had received some bad news and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I was broken!
One good thing was going on. As I lost my job, my brother was on a flight to come see me. He knew I needed to be loved on. He did a darn good job. He plays big and tough, but he is really just a great big teddy bear. He encouraged me as I sat defeated, he laughed with me as I needed a boost, he held me as I cried. I'm sure I wasn't much company. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, wasn't really functioning.
I am learning daily how bad I am at trusting God. I don't trust God with my heart. I don't trust him with the one I love. I don't trust him with my life. For some reason, I consistently think I can do it better. Really I probably just think I can manage it and God surely has more important things to be concerned with. I have become too independent, too self reliant, too self focused, too self consumed, too prideful.
Suddenly I had no answers. I had no way to heal my broken heart. I had no way to fix what was hurt. I didn't know what to do, what to say, where to go, how to live. I didn't know...
I had to sit...broken. I had to trust the only one capable of fixing my hurts, my confusion, my desperation. I was driven back to the God I had abandoned. I haven't figured out trusting God yet, but I'm trying. I still wonder if I could do it better - or at least the way I want it done, on my time table, without me getting hurt in the process.
June 26th I got in the Jeep. My apartment was empty and I was in route to Kentucky. I made a few stops on the way. They were good, much needed. I saw great friends. I saw brothers and sisters in this battle of following the Way. I was loved and encouraged when I needed it. It was good!
Yesterday my brother and I headed to Nashville; had to go to the airport. After over two years apart the five members of my family were reunited. Mom and Dad returned from Zambia and Whitney from Tanzania. It was good to see their faces. It was good to hug their necks. It was good.
I am loved, but sometimes I forget it. I am created for great things and rarely I believe it. God's dreams for me are bigger than even my dreams for myself.
I still hurt, but God is able to heal. I'm still broken, but God is working on putting me back together. I'm still confused, but God provides wisdom. I'm still scared, but God provides courage. I'm still lost, but God will light the way.
I'm still waiting...
Now I won't lie...I needed this one to come true. May sucked! Nothing went as planned or anticipated. It was a very hard month. I needed June to be an improvement. Honestly I also hoped the fortune was talking about some particular things. I had certain hopes, was praying for certain things, that I really wanted to see come true.
June got worse!
One week from my last post I lost my job. Apparently the school decided that the role of Campus Pastor was no longer needed. So as the position went, so did my job. It was rough, but the truth is it was like being kicked while I was down. The day before had crushed me. I had received some bad news and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I was broken!
One good thing was going on. As I lost my job, my brother was on a flight to come see me. He knew I needed to be loved on. He did a darn good job. He plays big and tough, but he is really just a great big teddy bear. He encouraged me as I sat defeated, he laughed with me as I needed a boost, he held me as I cried. I'm sure I wasn't much company. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, wasn't really functioning.
I am learning daily how bad I am at trusting God. I don't trust God with my heart. I don't trust him with the one I love. I don't trust him with my life. For some reason, I consistently think I can do it better. Really I probably just think I can manage it and God surely has more important things to be concerned with. I have become too independent, too self reliant, too self focused, too self consumed, too prideful.
Suddenly I had no answers. I had no way to heal my broken heart. I had no way to fix what was hurt. I didn't know what to do, what to say, where to go, how to live. I didn't know...
I had to sit...broken. I had to trust the only one capable of fixing my hurts, my confusion, my desperation. I was driven back to the God I had abandoned. I haven't figured out trusting God yet, but I'm trying. I still wonder if I could do it better - or at least the way I want it done, on my time table, without me getting hurt in the process.
June 26th I got in the Jeep. My apartment was empty and I was in route to Kentucky. I made a few stops on the way. They were good, much needed. I saw great friends. I saw brothers and sisters in this battle of following the Way. I was loved and encouraged when I needed it. It was good!
Yesterday my brother and I headed to Nashville; had to go to the airport. After over two years apart the five members of my family were reunited. Mom and Dad returned from Zambia and Whitney from Tanzania. It was good to see their faces. It was good to hug their necks. It was good.
I am loved, but sometimes I forget it. I am created for great things and rarely I believe it. God's dreams for me are bigger than even my dreams for myself.
I still hurt, but God is able to heal. I'm still broken, but God is working on putting me back together. I'm still confused, but God provides wisdom. I'm still scared, but God provides courage. I'm still lost, but God will light the way.
I'm still waiting...
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Songs of Worship...
Sunday night I went to a young adult worship service called Crash. We sang a song that wasn't new to me, but spoke like never before. The chorus goes like this:
The last couple weeks have been tough. I've shared some of those difficulties. But I realized that all week (and probably much longer) I had been living and praying as if I needed more than God. I also needed a particular young lady in my life. I needed God to make it happen. The risk of losing her ruined my sleep and my days. I couldn't get out of my mind the hurt I was going through in losing her.
I'm far from over my desire to be married and have a family. I'm far from over my desire to spend time with this same girl. I'm far from over my prayers that God would give me the things I want. But I am trying to alter my prayers. I am trying to alter my heart. I am trying to move to a place that I live out the belief that all I need is Christ.
I think I move in cycles with this. Cycles of great trust and then some when I go out on the journey alone. I lose site of the God who loves me more than I could love myself. I forget about the God who dreams for me even greater dreams than I can dream for myself. I'm working to move back to a place of resting in his arms.
My heart still hurts, but I know he can heal.
We have all we need in YouAs I sat and sang those words I realized that I wasn't sure I believed them. I mean of course I believe them in my head. But my life doesn't seem to live them out.
And all we need is You
All we need is You
The last couple weeks have been tough. I've shared some of those difficulties. But I realized that all week (and probably much longer) I had been living and praying as if I needed more than God. I also needed a particular young lady in my life. I needed God to make it happen. The risk of losing her ruined my sleep and my days. I couldn't get out of my mind the hurt I was going through in losing her.
I'm far from over my desire to be married and have a family. I'm far from over my desire to spend time with this same girl. I'm far from over my prayers that God would give me the things I want. But I am trying to alter my prayers. I am trying to alter my heart. I am trying to move to a place that I live out the belief that all I need is Christ.
I think I move in cycles with this. Cycles of great trust and then some when I go out on the journey alone. I lose site of the God who loves me more than I could love myself. I forget about the God who dreams for me even greater dreams than I can dream for myself. I'm working to move back to a place of resting in his arms.
My heart still hurts, but I know he can heal.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Reading...
Things have been slow at work this week. Things have been slow away from work this week. I get made fun of for how much my phone goes off. I went two entire days with no call, no text, no nothing. So I've been doing alot of reading.
I finished a book about men last night. Interesting read. Only took two days. My friend Mark recommended it and I would pass on the recommendation. I'm having a tougher time with the one about women written for men. I think it may stir up too many memories at the moment. I may need some time before I can get through it.
I am also reading Erwin McManus' Soul Cravings. It is good, but hard for me to read. I build towards the climax. I like stories. A book made of mostly journal entries is a bit tougher for me to read. But it has some really good stuff in it.
I just read an entry on "truth." It mentions how, "Our souls crave truth. We all want to know the truth. We all need to know the truth." Truth scares me. I'm afraid to be honest when honesty could hurt feelings. I really hate when it could hurt my feelings. But I need the truth.
I need to deal with conflict, because when I don't, I assume things are true that are not. I create scenarios in my head that have no validity; but what do I know if I don't have the truth.
Mark taught me the value of truth. He taught me the importance of being honest with those you love and with yourself. I feel like I have tried to get better at this. Sometimes I need to be more sensitive with my truth sharing, but I need to share the truth and I need to know the truth.
A friend and I have been dealing with sharing the truth. We have different needs for truth. I prefer to know the truth immediately, even when it is tough. She prefers to know only what she needs to know. When I don't know the truth I assume the worst; when she doesn't she assumes the best. What a beautiful person to have on your side, one that always assumes the best of you. We are constantly trying to learn how to meet the needs of the other while taking care of our own needs with truth.
I would ask, "Why did you wait so long to tell me this? You know I prefer to know these things." In another situation she would say, "That is one of those things you didn't need to tell me." It is an interesting give and take.
She is so much better at meeting my needs for honesty than I am hers. I hope I can learn from her how to give so fully of myself to meet the needs of others.
I finished a book about men last night. Interesting read. Only took two days. My friend Mark recommended it and I would pass on the recommendation. I'm having a tougher time with the one about women written for men. I think it may stir up too many memories at the moment. I may need some time before I can get through it.
I am also reading Erwin McManus' Soul Cravings. It is good, but hard for me to read. I build towards the climax. I like stories. A book made of mostly journal entries is a bit tougher for me to read. But it has some really good stuff in it.
I just read an entry on "truth." It mentions how, "Our souls crave truth. We all want to know the truth. We all need to know the truth." Truth scares me. I'm afraid to be honest when honesty could hurt feelings. I really hate when it could hurt my feelings. But I need the truth.
I need to deal with conflict, because when I don't, I assume things are true that are not. I create scenarios in my head that have no validity; but what do I know if I don't have the truth.
Mark taught me the value of truth. He taught me the importance of being honest with those you love and with yourself. I feel like I have tried to get better at this. Sometimes I need to be more sensitive with my truth sharing, but I need to share the truth and I need to know the truth.
A friend and I have been dealing with sharing the truth. We have different needs for truth. I prefer to know the truth immediately, even when it is tough. She prefers to know only what she needs to know. When I don't know the truth I assume the worst; when she doesn't she assumes the best. What a beautiful person to have on your side, one that always assumes the best of you. We are constantly trying to learn how to meet the needs of the other while taking care of our own needs with truth.
I would ask, "Why did you wait so long to tell me this? You know I prefer to know these things." In another situation she would say, "That is one of those things you didn't need to tell me." It is an interesting give and take.
She is so much better at meeting my needs for honesty than I am hers. I hope I can learn from her how to give so fully of myself to meet the needs of others.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Community...
I'm in a constant place of questioning and trying to figure out community. I've lived most of my life with ideas of what community might look like, but no real practical experience to base it on. And then I came to a place in my life with true community. Those I was able to gather around in Waco were an inspiration. They were amazing individuals and formed an incredible group of people.
Each time I have moved I searched again. After some time I usually find pieces of community, but it never quite compares.
A friend of mine who does research claims there are four types of people: 1. Those who build community wherever they go. 2. Those who nurture community when they are a part of it. 3. Those who are a strain on community. They are very needy. 4. Those who kill community.
Since I heard these four, I've been trying to figure myself out. Now those who know me understand that I am my own worst critic. Mix that with my incredible arrogance and it is one ugly picture. But I don't know where I fit on this spectrum of people.
In Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution he quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer saying, "The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community [even if their intentions are ever so earnest], but the person who loves those around them will create community."
I'm not sure I create community. I might even destroy it, but I don't think I create it. I fear I am stuck on my own idea of community. In Africa, I finally found pieces of it...I, at the very least, found a few close friends. In Phoenix I thought I found it, but I'm afraid I have become one of the last two options on the spectrum. I fear I am either the high maintenance drain on community or am killing it and most benefit community at this point by stepping out of it.
According to my most recent taking of the Strengths test one of my strengths is entitled Restorative. As I read a bit of a description on it yesterday it talks of how I am "adept at finding the flaws" (the books words, not mine). It does point out how I will do this in myself also. Because of this tendency, I am encouraged to be around optimists so that my criticisms won't lean more and more toward pessimism. (I think I may be too late.) I fear this reality, makes me quite a strain on community. I pick out problems and seek to fix them. I think that can be hard for many. I never seem satisfied with what is at hand.
A great struggle on my community this semester has been that my heart is even dumber than my head. I over analyze...everything. In high school my friend Beetle told me to "stop thinking so much." I think everything to death (interesting choice of words considering I'm talking about killing community, and dealing with having killed another relationship). Because I tend to over think, I tend to have thought through options and conversations and situations before they even happen. When people offer advice, it is sometimes not a new idea although it may carry new power coming from another mouth. (Callie, is that a better way of saying it?) I've considered the option and get the logic.
I even want to pursue that option as it clearly makes the most sense. But there is another issue, my stupid heart doesn't like to follow. Sometimes I know I have made the right choice about what to do in a situation, but I can't get my heart to follow along. My head says "good job;" my heart says "you're and idiot."
I wish issues of the heart were more logical, then I could understand them better and work myself through them better. I think I do a decent job with issues of the head, but when it comes to the heart I suck at it. The mystery of love overwhelms me. It is not uncommon for me to get tangled up in issues of the heart and not be able to find my way back out of it. Perhaps the issue is that I don't always want to find my way out. Sometimes when it even makes more sense, I'm not sure I want to find my way out.
I long for love. I long to fit in. Erwin McManus does some great stuff with these ideas in the first section of Soul Cravings. He talks of how we are wired to crave love. We do crazy things just to be accepted by others.
I apologize, I've started rambling. I think that is because I have things I want to say, or write as the case may be, and I can't figure out how to make words out of the thoughts and emotions I am feeling.
This week I told a friend I couldn't talk to her for a while. I needed the space to protect my already crumbling heart. I'm not sure I realized the friend I was letting go of until I recognized that the other friends I thought I could fall back on weren't coming through. They were tired of dealing with it or me or something. I need the space; but I don't want the space. My head says it is right; my heart says it is hard. My pessimism says I just shot myself in the foot letting go of something so precious; my optimism says true love returns.
Each time I have moved I searched again. After some time I usually find pieces of community, but it never quite compares.
A friend of mine who does research claims there are four types of people: 1. Those who build community wherever they go. 2. Those who nurture community when they are a part of it. 3. Those who are a strain on community. They are very needy. 4. Those who kill community.
Since I heard these four, I've been trying to figure myself out. Now those who know me understand that I am my own worst critic. Mix that with my incredible arrogance and it is one ugly picture. But I don't know where I fit on this spectrum of people.
In Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution he quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer saying, "The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community [even if their intentions are ever so earnest], but the person who loves those around them will create community."
I'm not sure I create community. I might even destroy it, but I don't think I create it. I fear I am stuck on my own idea of community. In Africa, I finally found pieces of it...I, at the very least, found a few close friends. In Phoenix I thought I found it, but I'm afraid I have become one of the last two options on the spectrum. I fear I am either the high maintenance drain on community or am killing it and most benefit community at this point by stepping out of it.
According to my most recent taking of the Strengths test one of my strengths is entitled Restorative. As I read a bit of a description on it yesterday it talks of how I am "adept at finding the flaws" (the books words, not mine). It does point out how I will do this in myself also. Because of this tendency, I am encouraged to be around optimists so that my criticisms won't lean more and more toward pessimism. (I think I may be too late.) I fear this reality, makes me quite a strain on community. I pick out problems and seek to fix them. I think that can be hard for many. I never seem satisfied with what is at hand.
A great struggle on my community this semester has been that my heart is even dumber than my head. I over analyze...everything. In high school my friend Beetle told me to "stop thinking so much." I think everything to death (interesting choice of words considering I'm talking about killing community, and dealing with having killed another relationship). Because I tend to over think, I tend to have thought through options and conversations and situations before they even happen. When people offer advice, it is sometimes not a new idea although it may carry new power coming from another mouth. (Callie, is that a better way of saying it?) I've considered the option and get the logic.
I even want to pursue that option as it clearly makes the most sense. But there is another issue, my stupid heart doesn't like to follow. Sometimes I know I have made the right choice about what to do in a situation, but I can't get my heart to follow along. My head says "good job;" my heart says "you're and idiot."
I wish issues of the heart were more logical, then I could understand them better and work myself through them better. I think I do a decent job with issues of the head, but when it comes to the heart I suck at it. The mystery of love overwhelms me. It is not uncommon for me to get tangled up in issues of the heart and not be able to find my way back out of it. Perhaps the issue is that I don't always want to find my way out. Sometimes when it even makes more sense, I'm not sure I want to find my way out.
I long for love. I long to fit in. Erwin McManus does some great stuff with these ideas in the first section of Soul Cravings. He talks of how we are wired to crave love. We do crazy things just to be accepted by others.
I apologize, I've started rambling. I think that is because I have things I want to say, or write as the case may be, and I can't figure out how to make words out of the thoughts and emotions I am feeling.
This week I told a friend I couldn't talk to her for a while. I needed the space to protect my already crumbling heart. I'm not sure I realized the friend I was letting go of until I recognized that the other friends I thought I could fall back on weren't coming through. They were tired of dealing with it or me or something. I need the space; but I don't want the space. My head says it is right; my heart says it is hard. My pessimism says I just shot myself in the foot letting go of something so precious; my optimism says true love returns.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Honor and Obedience...
(After rereading this post, it really isn't very good. So if you're not interested just stop reading here. Not like there are many still around to read this thing anyway.)
I work with college students. College and the year or two after are an interesting time in the life of a student and in the lives of their parents.
I graduated high school over 10 years ago. (Wow! I'm old!) Only a few months after finishing high school, I packed up my truck and my Dad's truck and we moved me to college - 4 hours from home. I wanted to be away from home, but still close enough I could get back when I needed to do so. I was close to my parents and my family. They tell me that between the two of them someone cried the entire four hour drive home.
The summer after my freshman year was a tough time for us. I lived at home for the summer. I was a youth intern at a church other than the one I had grown up in. I worked long days and I didn't want to be at home much. I was used to the college life where hanging out started at 10pm. I had forgotten what it meant to ask my parents permission for things. I had spent a year living my own life and making my own choices.
That summer created a rift between my parents and me, especially my mom as we had always been especially close. But it began to form a new relationship between my parents and me. That next school year I started dating a girl. My parents weren't huge fans. They liked the girl, but they had some concerns about our relationship. We disagreed with one another. Amy and I dated for about a year and a half. When we broke up it was for totally different reasons then my parents had held.
It was tough for us to work through these differences of opinion, but it continued to redefine the relationship I have with my parents.
Today my parents are something totally different to me than they were 10 or 12 years ago. Now they are friends, mentors, wise counselors. They aren't rule makers; they don't tell me what to do (even though sometimes I wish they would).
I'm not sure how to help college students and their parents through this journey. It has been happening since the beginning of time - this transition to adulthood. But how do I help students take the plunge? How do I help them see it is not dishonor to disagree? How do I walk with them as they struggle through the heartache of disagreeing with their parents for the first time?
I read in Proverbs 4 this morning where the author says children are to listen and learn from the rules of their parents. Then they are told to keep their rules. Does a transition happen eventually, or is this a life long command? Is the voice of my parents always to carry more weight than any other voice? Is the challenge hear listening and learning wisdom more than always asking "how high" when they say jump?
I walk through this with students, but I'm also walking through it with a friend right now. She loves her parents dearly. She has never disagreed with them on a life choice. It is hard for her parents and for her. It is hard for me to remember what it was like. I don't remember all of the difficulties of the transition. I don't always know wise words to help her with the struggle.
Today my parents and I have a beautiful relationship. I pastor them and they pastor me. They are one of the first I call when big decisions arise. They are one of my most treasured wise voices...I call them to share heartache and joy, victory and defeat. We have a wonderful love and respect for each other. They know I must now make my own choices and they even desire it. But they try to help protect me from pitfalls and guide me towards Christ.
The time between the two is difficult. I hope that I can learn how to make the difficult part easier for all parties involved.
I work with college students. College and the year or two after are an interesting time in the life of a student and in the lives of their parents.
I graduated high school over 10 years ago. (Wow! I'm old!) Only a few months after finishing high school, I packed up my truck and my Dad's truck and we moved me to college - 4 hours from home. I wanted to be away from home, but still close enough I could get back when I needed to do so. I was close to my parents and my family. They tell me that between the two of them someone cried the entire four hour drive home.
The summer after my freshman year was a tough time for us. I lived at home for the summer. I was a youth intern at a church other than the one I had grown up in. I worked long days and I didn't want to be at home much. I was used to the college life where hanging out started at 10pm. I had forgotten what it meant to ask my parents permission for things. I had spent a year living my own life and making my own choices.
That summer created a rift between my parents and me, especially my mom as we had always been especially close. But it began to form a new relationship between my parents and me. That next school year I started dating a girl. My parents weren't huge fans. They liked the girl, but they had some concerns about our relationship. We disagreed with one another. Amy and I dated for about a year and a half. When we broke up it was for totally different reasons then my parents had held.
It was tough for us to work through these differences of opinion, but it continued to redefine the relationship I have with my parents.
Today my parents are something totally different to me than they were 10 or 12 years ago. Now they are friends, mentors, wise counselors. They aren't rule makers; they don't tell me what to do (even though sometimes I wish they would).
I'm not sure how to help college students and their parents through this journey. It has been happening since the beginning of time - this transition to adulthood. But how do I help students take the plunge? How do I help them see it is not dishonor to disagree? How do I walk with them as they struggle through the heartache of disagreeing with their parents for the first time?
I read in Proverbs 4 this morning where the author says children are to listen and learn from the rules of their parents. Then they are told to keep their rules. Does a transition happen eventually, or is this a life long command? Is the voice of my parents always to carry more weight than any other voice? Is the challenge hear listening and learning wisdom more than always asking "how high" when they say jump?
I walk through this with students, but I'm also walking through it with a friend right now. She loves her parents dearly. She has never disagreed with them on a life choice. It is hard for her parents and for her. It is hard for me to remember what it was like. I don't remember all of the difficulties of the transition. I don't always know wise words to help her with the struggle.
Today my parents and I have a beautiful relationship. I pastor them and they pastor me. They are one of the first I call when big decisions arise. They are one of my most treasured wise voices...I call them to share heartache and joy, victory and defeat. We have a wonderful love and respect for each other. They know I must now make my own choices and they even desire it. But they try to help protect me from pitfalls and guide me towards Christ.
The time between the two is difficult. I hope that I can learn how to make the difficult part easier for all parties involved.
The Short Version...
So the crush...
Met a girl. I liked the girl and the girl liked me. There were a few complications. I guess it would be better said that there are a few complications.
We cautiously pursued something. We grew pretty attached. The complications increased rather than decreased. Some of them I understand. Some are a bit less logical.
In the last two weeks we have moved from not talking so that we could pray for direction, to deciding to continue this, to a long chat deciding if we could actually do it, to a chat between me and her dad, to taking a break.
What a whirl wind. I don't like breaks. They hurt. Right now, I hurt. I'll heal. We'll see the face of God somewhere in this too. Our prayer is that God will give clarity, wisdom, direction...
I don't like being away from her, but right now I think it is necessary.
Your prayers are a blessing!
Met a girl. I liked the girl and the girl liked me. There were a few complications. I guess it would be better said that there are a few complications.
We cautiously pursued something. We grew pretty attached. The complications increased rather than decreased. Some of them I understand. Some are a bit less logical.
In the last two weeks we have moved from not talking so that we could pray for direction, to deciding to continue this, to a long chat deciding if we could actually do it, to a chat between me and her dad, to taking a break.
What a whirl wind. I don't like breaks. They hurt. Right now, I hurt. I'll heal. We'll see the face of God somewhere in this too. Our prayer is that God will give clarity, wisdom, direction...
I don't like being away from her, but right now I think it is necessary.
Your prayers are a blessing!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I Saw God Today...
Well of course I realize this is still the same day. And of course I know the title of this post is the song I mentioned in the last post. I'm doing so because the last post brought this one to life.
Today at lunch, I saw God. I've been reading a book by Erwin McManus. The book is called Soul Cravings. It's a pretty good read. I know I'm pretty pathetic, I spend alot of my lunches with a book, but what can I say. It is a bit refreshing...you should try it someday. Go to lunch with a book. Read until the food comes and if it is good enough, while you eat.
So I had laid my book aside to enjoy my Bonzai Burger from Red Robin and the waiter asked me about it. "Are you reading a murder novel," he asked. What a weird question I thought. Until I remembered that the cover has what sort of looks like a bloody thumb print on it. I explained the book a bit, telling him it was by a pastor in LA and what the theme was. And then I remember the morning. I remembered George's song. I realized I was sort of dodging the God talk. So I changed direction.
I shared that Erwin is talking about three desires in all people and how that points us back towards God or at least an intelligent being bigger than us. He asked if a 17 year old would like it and went on to tell me about his son studying philosophy and how he has left God behind. Then he told me about his daughter who wasn't exactly pursuing God either. He didn't share much of his own story, but we got a start on his kids.
I shared more about Erwin, and Mosaic, and the themes of the book. He decided he would just by two copies and let both of his kids read it. Mike was a nice guy. He seemed intrigued by God and especially by the chance that his kids get back in line with God.
We talked a bit about the 20 somethings. I've grown convinced that there is some way we are communicating God to our children and teens that gives them the idea God is irrelevant for about ten years. From about the ages of 20 to 30 people abandon faith. How do we change this? It seems like such a terrible time to abandon faith. So many life decision are typically made during this stage of life. Many decide spouses, careers, moral opinions, what to spend tons of money on (houses, cars, education, etc.), etc. It is a tough time to not be looking to God for guidance.
It was a good chat with a stranger. It was good to "See God Today." I want more days like this one.
Today at lunch, I saw God. I've been reading a book by Erwin McManus. The book is called Soul Cravings. It's a pretty good read. I know I'm pretty pathetic, I spend alot of my lunches with a book, but what can I say. It is a bit refreshing...you should try it someday. Go to lunch with a book. Read until the food comes and if it is good enough, while you eat.
So I had laid my book aside to enjoy my Bonzai Burger from Red Robin and the waiter asked me about it. "Are you reading a murder novel," he asked. What a weird question I thought. Until I remembered that the cover has what sort of looks like a bloody thumb print on it. I explained the book a bit, telling him it was by a pastor in LA and what the theme was. And then I remember the morning. I remembered George's song. I realized I was sort of dodging the God talk. So I changed direction.
I shared that Erwin is talking about three desires in all people and how that points us back towards God or at least an intelligent being bigger than us. He asked if a 17 year old would like it and went on to tell me about his son studying philosophy and how he has left God behind. Then he told me about his daughter who wasn't exactly pursuing God either. He didn't share much of his own story, but we got a start on his kids.
I shared more about Erwin, and Mosaic, and the themes of the book. He decided he would just by two copies and let both of his kids read it. Mike was a nice guy. He seemed intrigued by God and especially by the chance that his kids get back in line with God.
We talked a bit about the 20 somethings. I've grown convinced that there is some way we are communicating God to our children and teens that gives them the idea God is irrelevant for about ten years. From about the ages of 20 to 30 people abandon faith. How do we change this? It seems like such a terrible time to abandon faith. So many life decision are typically made during this stage of life. Many decide spouses, careers, moral opinions, what to spend tons of money on (houses, cars, education, etc.), etc. It is a tough time to not be looking to God for guidance.
It was a good chat with a stranger. It was good to "See God Today." I want more days like this one.
